


Virtues of the Mother

by salt_n_pepa



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Catholicism, Gen, M/M, POV Outsider, Period-Typical Homophobia, Sarah Roger's POV, Two deaths, and a friend of steve/bucky's, both of the deaths are canon, lots of repression, not that long but not that short neither, period-typical slurs? kinda?, sarah rogers centric, semi-long fic, the OCs are members of bucky's family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-14 18:19:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8024185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/salt_n_pepa/pseuds/salt_n_pepa
Summary: Steve and Buckys story from Sarah's perspective





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on like 4 meta posts I saw on tumblr a long ass time ago talking about how Sarah would've been with Steve and Bucky and I sort of put my depressing spin on that. The story's split into three phases so if ppl like the first chapter I'll upload the other two. The title's a play on the phrase "sins of the father" if you didn't get that and yeah, please comment I'm very lonely and love feedback. :))))
> 
> Also btw, I know Joseph is a shitass in the comics but Sarah has been through enough and so I decided to make him a good person in this, sorry if that like ruins it for anyone.

The United States was a new start for Sarah. Her life was teetering on destitute in Ireland despite her and her husbands best efforts. Joseph took as many odd jobs as he could but Sarah knew if she took too many she’d get sick and end up costing them in the long run. So America, bright and shiny, would be her new hope, her new home. 

They bought a town house. It was cramped and molded in most corners but it was home. Sarah got work as a nurse, Joseph got work as anything they needed. And Sarah got pregnant after months, almost a year of trying. Joseph kept her supine for the first three months, just to be sure this one stayed. Sarah made no complaints, she took off of work, she ate more than even Joseph. She simply couldn’t risk, couldn’t handle, losing a fourth. 

And by the sixth month, she felt fairly confident that this time around the baby was hers to keep. Which only made her more nervous. She and the baby would have to survive labor at some point and, though she’d never admit or mention it to Joseph, she wasn’t sure that was possible. But at six months, she finally let herself get the house ready for a baby. She’d decorated her first nursery in Ireland and sobbed uncontrollably the night she had to take it all down. She never decorated for the second baby but something felt more lasting this time as she assembled the crib.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“If I don’t pull through—” began Sarah.

“Deary, if you don’t pull through I’ll be expectin’ the apocalypse next. If anyone can do it, it’s you,” assured Joseph as he drove them to the hospital. It was nice having Joseph so confident, but she needed a realist as well. She’d never been all that well and God knew her body had never been all that eager to house new life. 

“If it’s a girl, will you name her after my mother?” panted Sarah. Her hand was digging into the cheap vinyl of the car seat. 

“You will name her yourself,” insisted Joseph as he threw a cautious and gentle arm across her during a dodgy turn. “Stop worrying and focus on your breathin’.”

“If it’s a boy he should be named after your grandfather— he was set to be the Godfather, he’s earned it,” screeched Sarah as another contraction wracked her body. 

As a nurse she saw births almost daily. But healthy babies were born at home. Sick babies needed the hospital and Sarah couldn’t bear to count how many of those babies never left. She didn’t want to be among those statistics. But she sure as hell wouldn’t let her fear of being a patient stop her from getting her child to safety. Though she wished that safety could come in her own home on her own terms, she wouldn’t complain. The hospital meant the absolute best. 

Joseph hurried her inside and nurses took her away. She wanted Joseph there. More than anything, she wanted Joseph by her side before it all happened. Another reason she wanted to be at home. She knew Joseph wanted the same. He’d never be able to relax outside smoking with the other expectant fathers. The other fathers were expecting a new life, Joseph wasn’t.

“Get my husband in here!” screamed Sarah as she was shimmied onto a bed. The nurses tried to soothe her as she was stripped and put in a hospital gown. 

“It’ll be another few hours or so now, Sarah,” said one of the nurses that worked under Sarah. She was a bit airheaded but she meant well. 

“My husband needs to be in here. And I need a doctor!” 

She got what she wanted. As sweet and kind as she was, she never took anything lying down. The doctor assured her about a thousand times that everything was coming along normally and that if she was going to expect the worse she’d get it. The doctor told her to breathe, told her to try and relax, and he’d return when she was ready. Joseph sat at her side, wiping her forehead and letting her break the bones in his hand.

“Sarah, darlin’. You’re okay. I hear childbirth is supposed to be this painful,” said Joseph as Sarah growled through another contraction.

“I’m a nurse! Don’t you think I know that!”

Six hours later. After hours of pushing and praying, she had a son. She cried as soon as she felt that emptiness because her baby didn’t. She’d killed her newborn. Joseph pushed the sweaty strands of hair from her forehead as the nurses rushed the baby to clear his nose and throat. She’d been expecting this outcome. If she’d carried a baby to term and still managed to kill it, she just wasn’t meant to be a mother. Joseph kissed her forehead and muttered something Sarah didn’t bother listening to. Quite suddenly a cry filled the room and Sarah’s heart just about stopped.

“I told you so,” whispered Joseph as he kissed her temple. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Steven Grant Rogers,” repeated the doctor. “Excellent choice. Good, strong name.”

Sarah held him in her arms. He was so small. Small enough that at first sight he looked premature. The doctors said he had a heart murmur. Not alive but three hours and he was already sick. Joseph consoled her by reminding her he too had a heart murmur at birth and it hadn’t bothered him. Much.

She’d spent her whole life on the verge of sickness, occasionally dipping down into it. That was one of many traits she’d prayed nightly didn’t get passed on to her child. 

“We’ll let you head home in a week or so, depending on how little Steven progresses. We want to make sure he’s eating as well.”

“Do you think he’ll be all right? In your professional opinion?” asked Sarah meekly. She’d spent nearly twelve hours half naked and screaming in the presence of one of the doctor she answered to. She wasn’t in the mood for eye contact.

“I’m sure he’ll be just fine. We’ve seen worse leave here.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Steve wasn’t growing at the rate the doctors had predicted but that didn’t bother Sarah. He was healthy. His size didn’t matter nearly as much as that. He was baptized immediately. Sarah said it was a family tradition on her side but she and Joseph both knew it was a precaution. In case he didn’t last. The other mothers in their parish made them frozen meals, gave them old baby clothes, and offered to baby sit. Sarah loved her friends in the parish and loved that they were so willing to help her, but there was no chance in hell of her letting anyone near her new baby.

She refused to take him outside for two full months before Joseph convinced her he needed to build his immunities. So reluctantly she took him on a short walk around the neighborhood. She had him wrapped up tight and was eyeing anyone that passed them with obvious suspicion. It was a feat for both of them. The delivery hadn’t exactly been easy on Sarah or Steve.

Sarah hadn’t left the house before that first walk, not even for church, so as soon as the neighbors saw her face in the sun they rushed to greet her, gifts in arms.

“From us and the Matthews next door. We saw you come home and didn’t want to disturb things. I know when we had our first it was a miracle if she slept and I didn’t want to be the one to wake your little one.”

Sarah took the gifts in hand and let this neighbor, this thirty year old woman who probably hadn’t washed her hands in the last twenty odd minutes, touch Steve. It was physically challenging. She was fighting the urge to throw the woman off of him. But she couldn’t keep him in a bubble his whole life. If he was going to be born with the odds against him she was going to do all she could to shift the scales.

“He’s so adorable—I hope the little booties I knitted fit him.”

“He’s small but he’ll grow—” interjected Sarah, already getting defensive.

“Deary, I’m sure he will. My oldest, Marie, she looked like a baby doll she was so small. The doctors said it tends to happen with the first.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Steve didn’t grow. No matter how many Rosaries Sarah uttered, he wouldn’t grow. He was smaller than the kids in his day care, smaller than the kids in his kindergarten, smaller than kids younger than him. He was just small. Joseph thought it was a sign of worse to come but Sarah held out hope it was a sign of triumph. It was an effect not a cause. Whatever was wrong with him caused him to be a bit smaller than the other kids but that was all. 

But the older Steve got the more she agreed with Joseph. He had horrible allergies, asthma, and perpetually weak lungs and heart. There was nothing technically wrong with him he was just frail. Sarah couldn’t give him medicine for fragility, she could only keep hoping and praying he’d grow out of it. 

He got sick one night, two months before his first day of real school. Sarah had been nervous enough about sending him off to real school, though she masked it around Steve who had never been so excited for anything, and took his getting sick as a bad omen. Sarah and Joseph rushed him to the hospital, where Sarah had left an hour earlier. He had the flu. Flu paired with his asthma was a near-death sentence. A two week stint in the hospital cost them two months salary and all of their confidence in Steve’s health. 

Anything could completely wipe Steve out. How could they, as good parents, send their child to mingle with disease ridden children? Kids got sick often, but Steve. If they let him go to school he’d never be healthy. Homeschooling was beginning to sound like their only way out.

In the end, they couldn’t do it. They couldn’t tell Steve he wasn’t going to school, they couldn’t treat him like a shut in. They couldn’t close him off from the rest of the world because of fears they’d built up in their head so they enrolled him in St. John’s Catholic school. Steve had spent his daycare there and knew a few of the kids already. The neighborhood boys only really spoke to Steve in daycare or kindergarten, the only place they couldn’t just ditch him. Joseph suggested he use the company car to take Steve to school everyday just in case. Sarah didn’t want the car getting confiscated and didn’t want Steve to be the only kid not walking, he was different enough. So on his first day she walked with him on her way to the hospital.

She held his hand and reminded him to keep away from shortcuts and alleys. Before she knew it they were there. The church bells rang as kids of varying ages ran into the buildings. Steve would’ve joined them but Sarah knelt and took his shoulders. 

“Stevie, you look at me,” said Sarah sternly. “You make lots of friends, you listen to your teachers, you raise your hand if you need anything, and you tell them to call the hospital if you feel sick okay?”

“Okay, Ma,” groaned Steve with a smile. 

“Okay…Eat as much of your lunch as you can,” said Sarah before kissing his forehead and sending him off on his way.

She couldn’t tell all of the children to be gentle with him, she couldn’t tell all of the teachers to have the hospital constantly ready for him, she couldn’t tell the sisters to be patient with him, she couldn’t force the other children to like him. It was out of her hands now and she needed to get to work before they docked her pay. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“And then we learned this song to remember all of the saints and I memorized it first and she gave me a star on the board!” shouted Steve across the dinner table. Joseph’s shift had ended five minutes ago and he was due home in another twenty but Steve simply couldn’t contain his excitement over his first day of real school.

“So do you like your new classmates then?” asked Sarah. Steve nodded with a mouthful of food. “Any new friends?”

Steve shrugged and Sarah didn’t push the matter. He was small, it was his first day, it’d take time to make friends. At the very least every kid who had attended day care at their church was also in his class. At the very least he wasn’t alone. At the very least he had some faces to smile at. 

Steve helped her clean the kitchen and Joseph arrived home late and thankful for the dinner Sarah had kept warm for him. She got Steve ready for and in bed before joining him. 

“How was his first day?” asked Joseph eagerly.

“I think he liked it.”

“Think?”

Sarah sighed and sat back in her chair. “I can’t tell if the kids are teasing him and he just won’t tell me or…It’s the first day, he’s got time to make friends. But, they’re all just the same kids from the church, from the neighborhood…if he were going to be friends with them it would’ve happened.”

“You worry too much. He’ll be just fine. And besides, the neighborhood kids and daycare kids aren’t the only ones there. Some kids never go to day care, some kids didn’t go to Sunday school. There’s bound to be a new face in the mix that likes him.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do, Sarah. Get some sleep, you’ve earned it.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Steve made no real friends. He had a few kids in the neighborhood that would play with him but only on a handful of occasions and Sarah had yet to see any of those friends in their home. Joseph promised he was the same way and Steve was just a bit of a late bloomer. Sarah couldn’t help but think his size had something to do with it. He couldn’t run as fast, couldn’t play as long as the other kids without getting sick and wheezy for days.

She’d done that to him. It was technically her fault that he wasn’t as healthy as he could’ve been, he’d inherited her sickly nature. She’d gone through a similar form of loneliness in her youth because of it and it pained her to see Steve going the exact same way.

Her shifts became more and more nocturnal and she was hearing less and less of Steve’s day over the dinner table (which was often her breakfast table). Steve didn’t want to tell her as much. Joseph assured her that there was nothing wrong, nothing she could do, that school was sink or swim and if she never let him try he’d never succeed. But his first year of school was nearly over and there had been no change.

Until one evening. She had been asleep all day, preparing for another long night shift at the hospital, when the sound of someone falling woke her. Steve. 

She jumped up and out of bed, rushing around the small house before bounding into Steve’s room. She didn’t find him with a cracked skull or snapped arm as she feared. Instead he was spread out on the floor, his comics surrounding him. And a friend sat next to him. A school friend as well. She didn’t know all of the neighborhood children but she knew she’d never seen this one. 

“Steve?” said Sarah, staring straight at the stranger. “What was that noise?”

“Oh, I dropped my books but they’re okay. Did I wake you up?” said Steve.

“No, I was up…Who’s your friend?” 

“This is James. He’s in my class,” said Steve with a wide grin that James mimicked. 

“It’s very nice to meet you James…Are you staying for dinner?” asked Sarah. She hadn’t planned on cooking but she wasn’t going to let Steve’s first real friend get away so easy.

“If you’d have me I’d love it!” said James looking from Sarah to Steve at a rapid pace. 

“All right then, deary.”

Sarah shut the door behind herself and took a shaky breath in. Steve had a friend. A nice friend. 

“Your mom’s got a weird accent,” said James on the other side of the door.

“We’re from Ireland,” said Steve. Sarah held her breath waiting for the response. She’d thought they’d be a bit better accepted at the Catholic school of all places but no such luck. There were very few places that didn’t shun her the moment she spoke. She was glad she hadn’t given Steve her tell-tale accent.

“My whole family’s just from here. I’m not anything interesting — did you ever go to Ireland with them?”

Sarah breathed a heavy sigh of relief and began making Steve and James dinner and her breakfast. She tossed the casserole in the oven and began pinning various strands of hair up, trying to make it look as if she’d done it on purpose. Steve made a friend. She was bursting at the seams with joy but if she embarrassed Steve he might lose his only friend so she’d hold it together at least until she got to the hospital and could tell the other nurses how well Steve was doing.

“Boys! Dinner!” called Sarah as she served up three plates and put the casserole back in the oven to keep it warm for Joseph. Casserole for breakfast wasn’t her first choice but she’d long since gotten used to eating dinner for breakfast. 

James and Steve hurried down. They were talking, no laughing, the whole way. Whoever this was wasn’t setting Steve up to be bullied even harder the next day. He genuinely liked Steve. 

“This looks great, Mrs. Rogers —” said James as he took his first bite. 

“Thank you, James,” replied Sarah with a grin. “Do you live around here? How will you get home now the streetlights are out?”

“I’ll walk, I’m only a few streets over, my mom won’t mind,” said James in between bites.

Sarah was about to pry a bit more about James’s parents but before she could, she saw a purple mark along Steve’s wrist as his sleeve rode up while he reached across the table. “Stevie? What’s that on your arm? Is that a bruise?”

“Oh — It’s okay, Mom — it doesn’t even hurt,” insisted Steve as Sarah inspected the bruise.

“It’s all right, Mrs. Rogers, we just got into a fight,” said James as if it were nothing.

“A fight?! Stevie?!” shouted Sarah. 

“Barely a fight, Mom! I just got pushed a little and James stopped ‘em and walked me home, that’s all,” said Steve withdrawing his wrist.

The timer Sarah had set for herself went off. If she wanted to make it work on time she’d have to leave. She warned they’d continue the conversation later, though she knew damn well she’d be too tired to do so, put on her coat and hurried out to meet the last bus of the night. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

After a night of dealing with the doctors and begging another nurse to take her morning shift, Sarah trudged home. She shed her coat, slipped out of her shoes and massaged her palms as she meandered into her and Joseph’s bedroom. Joseph was waiting up for her, or maybe he’d woken a bit too early. He smiled wide when he saw her step through the door.

“How was work?”

“The usual,” sighed Sarah as she stood by the mirror and pulled pins out of her hair. 

“Did you meet Steve’s friend?” asked Joseph. He was watching her every move.

“I did. Apparently James saved Steve from a fight, walked him home and everything,” said Sarah as the last pin finally came out.

“Good. He needs some muscle behind him,” joked Joseph. His attempts to stop her motherly worrying were futile but at least he was trying. She smiled at him through the mirror before collapsing on the bed next to him. They were only together a total of ten minutes before Joseph was off to his job. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Bucky?” said Sarah. 

“Yeah, that’s what everyone calls him now because of me,” said Steve over dinner a few weeks later.

“Everyone? In your class?” asked Sarah. Steve had spent a full year unable to speak to most of these kids and in a few weeks he’d started a trend.

“It makes sense, James is such a grown-up name, and his middle name’s worse, it’s Buchanan,” said Steve with a wince, “So I thought Bucky would be a better nickname than Jimmy and he liked it.”

“So…is James — sorry, Bucky — friends with the whole class?” asked Sarah, inching into the territory she was dying to get into.

“Sort of…he talks to me mostly but everyone likes him,” said Steve with a shrug.

Sarah cocked her head, still not understanding the dynamic. “So…he doesn’t talk to his other friends?”

“He does but I’m always with him.”

Great. Steve was someone’s pet. Hanging around the most popular kid in his class, his protection, and speaking to no one other than Bucky. Perfect.

“Oh, he told me to ask you if I could sleepover at his house on Friday?” said Steve, avoiding eye contact because he knew his mother would be wary. 

“Can he not sleepover here?” asked Sarah. 

“Well, he wanted me to meet his brothers and sister,” said Steve. He already sounded disappointed. Sarah didn’t want to be the one to say no but she’d only ever spoken to Bucky’s parents after mass when Steve and Bucky were off in their own world. They were nice enough but they had four other children. With six children total running around their house, would they even notice if something happened to Steve? Then again, Steve hadn’t gotten sick in weeks, months even. 

“Okay, you can go — but only if you call me as soon as you’re there. I’ll be at my usual nurses’ station. And if they dont’ have a phone…find a phone.”

She’d never seen Steve smile that wide.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Wednesday morning. Sarah was just getting home from her shift, Joseph was just waking up for his. They shared a few tired kisses in the kitchen as he prepared his coffee and breakfast. Sarah was going to unload her day onto him when Steve stumbled in from his bedroom. He usually woke up an hour or so later.

“Steve?” said Sarah from their small table. She turned in her seat and beckoned him over. “What’s the matter?”

“I feel funny…” said Steve and seconds later he was throwing up what little food was in his stomach. Sarah lifted him up and hurried him to her bathroom where she rubbed his back as he lost any form of nutrients he might’ve gained the day before. Joseph was at their sides after he’d presumably cleaned up the kitchen floor. 

“What’s the matter, Stevie?” said Joseph. He worried over Steve just as much, if not more, than Sarah when he was sick. It was because he never knew the cause or the cure like Sarah did, he just knew his sickly son was sick.

Sarah felt his head and muttered ‘fever’. Steve transitioned to dry heaves and leant backwards against Sarah. The energy he’d build up over night completely depleted. 

“You’re staying home with me today,” said Sarah.

“Is he okay?” said Joseph.

“He’s fine, Joe. I think it’s just a stomach bug.”

“Should I leave my car?” Joseph asked.

Sarah shook her head and promised Steve would be fine. A stomach bug she could deal with, that didn’t effect his lungs. He just needed soup and water and sleep for a few days. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sarah had Steve tucked tightly in his bed, a bucket in case of emergencies by his side. She was spooning water into him. Steve was begging for more but Sarah repeatedly told him if he drank too fast he’d throw it back up and they’d start all over. 

“Does this mean I can’t go to Bucky’s house?” said Steve with a heartbreaking shake in his voice.

“You can go another time,” said Sarah with a kiss to his forehead. “His brothers and sisters will still be there when you’re better.”

Thursday showed no improvement on Steve. He was still unable to drink without throwing it back up, unable to eat without gagging, and his damn fever wouldn’t break. Sarah’s sleep schedule was beginning to turn back around but she needed to stay nocturnal to work so she slept when she could and for no longer than an hour. 

Thursday afternoon. Sarah was practically falling asleep as she spooned Steve more water. Steve was thumbing through one of his favorite comics as she did. Sarah couldn’t let on how tired she was or Steve would pretend he was all better. But quite suddenly she didn’t need to pretend to be wide awake. 

The front door opened and no voice followed it. Joseph wasn’t due back until night and if it were a neighbor they’d say something, they’d call for someone, or most importantly they’d knock. Sarah figured whoever it was would notice quite quickly that they had nothing worth stealing and would hopefully just leave but she didn’t hear the front door open again. 

Instead Steve’s door open and right as Sarah felt her heart preparing to leap from her chest, she recognized the face in the door and so did Steve.

“Bucky!” shouted Steve with what little strength he could. 

“Stevie!” replied Bucky with equal enthusiasm. 

“Bucky? What’re you doing here?” asked Sarah as she calmed her speeding heart.

“Steve wasn’t at school for two days,” said Bucky. He pulled out a box from under Steve’s bed, dragged it to Steve’s side and got comfortable on it. 

“Sorry, Bucky, but Steve can’t come over on Friday, he’s just too sick,” Sarah interjected. She didn’t want Steve getting his hopes up or thinking she’d soften now that Bucky was in the room.

“I figured he couldn’t when he didn’t show on Wednesday,” laughed Bucky. “But my brothers and sisters aren’t goin’ anywhere. I told the teachers you’re really sick and they gave me your homework.”

“But I’m sick, I shouldn’t have homework!” said Steve tiredly as Sarah gave him another spoonful of water.

“That’s what I said! So I got that girl, Marnie, to do it for you and she told me to tell you she’s sorry your sick and that her mom makes good soup if you want it,” said Bucky. He began rummaging through his bag looking for the work that was ’Steve’s’. Steve was blushing, very definitively not because of the fever.

Maybe he wasn’t just Bucky’s pet who no one noticed accept to mock. This Marnie girl seemed to like him enough, and Bucky had come over to help him unprompted. 

“I’ll be downstairs if you need anything, Steve. Don’t drink that water too fast,” warned Sarah as she elected to leave the two of them alone. Bucky would shout if anything happened and Sarah could finally let herself sleep without fear of Steve.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A month later and Steve was back on his feet and ready to sleepover at Bucky’s. Bucky seemed more excited than Steve the closer the date got. Sarah noticed that because Bucky practically lived at their house. She saw him at least four times a week. Sarah couldn’t get annoyed with him, he was too precious. He took his shoes off at the door, lined them up neatly with Steve’s without ever making a joke about how his were two sizes bigger. He requested often that Sarah kiss him hello. He played rough with Steve but only to a point. This was the first friend Steve ever had that wasn’t afraid of breaking him. Yet he somehow always knew when enough was enough and when Steve needed to transition back inside.

He was the perfect friend for Steve. The longer they were together the more wary Sarah grew about the longevity of their friendship. She didn’t want Steve dependent on Bucky, but she didn’t want to force them to branch out. They were glued together which was nice for now but what happened if Bucky made a new best friend? His life would fall apart.

Steve slept over. Sarah walked with him most of the way on her route to the hospital. He lived just four streets away, but so much could happen just four streets away. Steve held her hand and swore up and down he’d have them take him to the hospital if he got sick.

“Don’t let Bucky’s brothers pressure you into doing anything. You’re health is more important than if they like you so no touch football or anything like that.”

“Mom, Bucky knows,” said Steve with an air of annoyance. Sarah kissed him goodbye and watched him walk a few blocks before she finally turned on her heel and raced to her bus stop.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“How was it?” shouted Joseph when Steve came through the door the next afternoon. Sarah had taken the day off to ease her sore ankle. Joseph had been in the middle of massaging it when Steve came back.

“It was great!” replied Steve. “He’s got two older brothers and one older sister and then a sister who’s one year younger and she’s really nice too and his parents were nice and his mom made really good food so I didn’t have to pretend it was good and his dad works for a bank and he’s really smart and his mom is a secretary so she can type really fast and she’s got —”

That went on for nearly an hour. The description of Bucky’s brothers made him sound like the black sheep. Tommy and Vince were their names. Two and four years older than Bucky and by the sound of it much less nurturing than Bucky was. His eldest sibling, Marianna, sounded like a surrogate mother for them all and the youngest, Rebecca, sounded like a younger, more female, Bucky.

Over the summer, Steve was with the Barnes’ nearly every day. He loved having siblings. Sarah had wanted to give him one but after losing her third baby she was fairly sure God had elected to give her just Steve. Steve was enough for her but she liked that now he had these quasi-siblings that he’d wanted since he could talk. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Steve and Bucky were never seen apart. They went through the entirety of grammar school without missing a day of seeing eachother. When Steve was sick, Bucky would read their comics to him. And they weren’t Steve’s comics anymore they were Steve and Bucky’s now that Bucky had moved his collection to the Rogers’s house for safe keeping. 

Bucky joined a baseball league every summer and so did Steve. Joseph taught him to throw and hit but Bucky taught him to stop listening to the jeers in the crowd. It was so hard to watch for Sarah. Steve, in his ill fitting uniform, would come up to bat and every classmate in attendance would be shouting some insult about his height and size and skill. But he knew how to hit and he’d always get on base. Bucky was always there to welcome him back to the dugout with a bear hug and seconds later he’d make sure Steve was sitting with his head between his knees, catching his breath and staving off the asthma. 

Steve made more friends through baseball and Sarah had Bucky to thank for that. Steve made more friends in school and Sarah had Bucky to thank for that as well. Bucky joined the school’s track team. He’d never admit it but Sarah knew it was because track was the only sport aside from baseball that wouldn’t kill Steve. He wasn’t tall enough for basketball, wasn’t big enough for football. 

No matter how much faster Bucky was able to go, he didn’t ditch Steve on the track, didn’t make him feel like he was lagging but somehow managed to avoid patronizing him. 

Grammar school was wrapping up calmly. Nothing major happened to Steve, no big illnesses, no broken bones, and enough new friends to last him through middle school and hopefully high school. In fact Sarah was prepared to wrap up grammar school as a major win until, on the very last day, things went off the rails.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sarah had baked cookies, something she didn’t do nearly as often as she felt she should. The last day of school was a big occasion so Sarah decided cookies were the best way to celebrate. Steve and Bucky were supposed to go to Bucky’s house to get the early birthday gift his mom had made for Sarah and then come back to practice pitching with the bigger kids next door. That left her enough time to bake and surprise them with the cookies. The front door opened just as the timer went off. 

“I hope you’re both hungry because these must be my best work so far!” said Sarah. 

“Um…Mom,” said Steve’s voice with an apprehensive tone. Sarah closed the oven and meandered to the front door to see what the trouble was. Bucky and Steve stood there looking like kicked puppies. Bucky’s mother had a tight grip on Bucky’s collar and a tight grip on the gift she was set to give Sarah. Though she didn’t look quite as friendly as she always had.

“What’s going on, Jana? Did they get into a fight?” asked Sarah. Since Steve and Bucky were inseparable, Sarah had grown quite close to his parents as had Joseph. She’d never seen her angry and wasn’t sure what could possibly have been bad enough to walk all the way over with both of the boys.

“Worse than that, Sarah. I caught your son kissing mine,” spat Jana as she shoved the boys inside and closed the door behind her. She pushed past them and set the ‘gift’ on the kitchen counter. Sarah knew what it was immediately. One of Jana’s famous lasagnas. Sarah’s stomach growled at the sight of it but thankfully Jana didn’t notice.

“Oh…” began Sarah, looking from Steve to Bucky, hoping one would make eye contact but both were staring at their shoes. “Jana, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Not that big of a deal?! Your son molests mine and it’s ‘not that big of a deal’?!” shouted Jana. 

“My son didn’t molest yours, Jana. Boys will be boys—”

“This is not what boys do, I would know, I’ve got three!” 

Sarah wanted to hit her. She’d had enough of parents with more kids and no accent telling her how little she knew about parenting. But Jana was a good friend and hitting her might jeopardize that so she held back. 

“Jana, what exactly happened?” groaned Sarah as Jana stuffed a cookie in her face.

“The boys were late coming by the house so I went up to the school since it’s on my route to work to hand off the lasagna I made you when I found them in the dugout.”

“We were dared to do it—” interject Bucky, but he was shushed almost immediately by his mother. 

“Well, if they were dared to do it, I hardly see why you’re panicking. I’m sure you did similar things when you were eleven. Kids grow out of it,” said Sarah with a shrug. Jana seemed to soften, perhaps recalling a similar memory from her own childhood. 

“I suppose,” mumbled Jana. 

“Exactly. Now you better head to work, you don’t want to be late,” said Sarah with as much cheer as she could muster. Sarah said her thank yous for the lasgana and Jana gave her apologies for barging in. Sarah finally closed the front door and could deal with the boys in a calmer environment. Both of them were completely still, standing on the border between entry way, kitchen, and living room. She didn’t know what to say to them. Despite what she’d said to Jana, she’d never heard of this being a part of childhood. She’d never kissed a girl after all.

“The cookies are cool by now,” said Sarah, “Wash your hands and you can have some.”

Bucky and Steve stood a foot away from each other at the kitchen sink while Sarah doled out cookies onto plates and milk into glasses. They silently sat at the table and only began eating their cookies when Sarah took a bite out of hers. 

“Why’re you both so quiet?” asked Sarah. Despite her upbeat tone, both of the boys just shrugged and stared into their plates. “Well, then, tell me. Why did you kiss each other?”

“We were dared!” shouted Bucky, understandably defensive.

“By who? Weren’t you alone?” said Sarah with as gentle a tone as she could manage. Bucky went red and returned to staring at his plate. “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“We just wanted to see what it was like,” muttered Steve so quiet Sarah almost didn’t hear it. 

“That’s okay, it’s not a crime,” said Sarah with a bit of a laugh. Bucky looked up at her with confused eyes. 

“But…Mom said —” began Bucky and Sarah had a fairly clear picture of what Jana had told the boys. 

“Forget what your mother said,” interrupted Sarah. “It’s no crime, it’s no sin, to wonder. You didn’t mean anything by it but wondering what all the hype was right?”

“Right…” mumbled both boys. 

“So what’s the harm?”

“My mom said she’d make me live with the monks,” offered Bucky. Sarah’s anxiety was climbing steadily but she couldn’t let the boys sense it. Whatever this was, it was temporary. Every kid got a little curious and they’d probably just tried it with each other because they were so close. In ten odd years, Sarah would bring this up at one of their weddings and everyone would laugh.

“You’re not going to live with the monks. Your mother’s just worried about you — about you both. She doesn’t mean to be scary and mean. Just…don’t tell her about this kind of stuff. Come to me instead.”

“So…we’re not in trouble?” said Bucky. The frown on his face was fading. Sarah smiled and shook her head. Bucky smiled and finally it spread to Steve.

Sarah left them to it and forced down a panic attack in her bathroom. She had to believe it too if she was expecting Jana to do the same. It was one stupid little incident they’d made too big a deal of and in a few years they’d all laugh about it. That night she stayed up an extra hour with her rosary, she had to believe it too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> member how i said I would update within the week and two weeks passed haaha, pls don't leave me, I'm still in dire need of validation for my bad writing :)))) also I was gonna update quick cause the chapters kinda run together so maybe reread the end of the last chapter b4 starting this one, idk, do u

The end of Grammer school marked the beginning of Junior high. Junior high meant girls no longer had cooties and the lack of attention Steve got became more noticeable. Steve got shier and more anxious, despite Sarah’s best efforts. For the first year or so, Bucky wasn’t much better. His height came in fast and gave him his first and only awkward phase. But as middle school progressed, as Steve and Bucky joined track, then baseball, they got their confidences back and by their second year every girl in school had completely swooned over Bucky.

This was the one thing Bucky couldn’t fix for Steve. He was growing fast and tall and muscular and handsome and everyone was taking notice. Steve technically did grow but it damn sure didn’t seem like it. The process had been so painfully gradual that it became almost insignificant. He had a few extra inches of height and a deeper voice and that was it. His lack of muscles, height, charisma, bulk, and good health made him a permanent friend to the girls Bucky tried to set him up with. Girls weren’t clambering over each other to dance with a guy they could step on.

She might never have noticed just how frustrated Steve was with himself had Bucky not gotten suspended for kissing a girl, and making quite a scene of it, in the hall. Sarah had rolled her eyes when Steve told her but was quick to notice how jealous Steve was. Standing next to Bucky all day probably didn’t improve his chances of getting attention or regaining his confidence. But Steve didn’t want to branch out just to get a girl, he was Bucky’s best friend and he’d made it clear over the years that that came first.

Bucky never asked a girl to a dance all throughout junior high despite it being plainly obvious that any girl he asked would melt on the spot. Sometimes Sarah wondered if he was sacrificing too much for Steve’s sake. She’d never tell him that, though. And she was hoping it would remedy itself sooner or later. And it did.

Steve had always been a bit infatuated with Marnie, his only other real friend. It was obvious she was sweet on Bucky since day one but Bucky had always been far too aloof to notice how she looked at him. Steve was too doe-eyed to notice and after all of junior high spent forcing Steve from his shell, Bucky got Steve to ask her out. In the retelling of the story by Bucky, Sarah held her breath and waited for the part where Marnie rejected him out of hand and Steve sank into a week-long depression. But she said yes and this time, out on Coney Island, she wasn’t a friend tagging along she was Steve’s date. Getting Bucky a date to match wouldn’t exactly be hard. Sarah didn’t get to see Steve off just got to see him come home looking starry eyed with a smile that wouldn’t fade.

After Steve finally bit the bullet and got with Marnie, Bucky got the girlfriend his hormones had been begging him for for months. Sarah never saw much of Bucky’s girlfriend but she saw plenty of Marnie. Something about how close she and Steve sat together, how close they talked, how quietly they whispered, made Sarah nervous. But not as nervous as Joseph.

The day Joseph had dreaded most in his life and the only reason Sarah’s initial baby preference leant towards a boy. She didn’t have to give this painfully embarrassing talk, it wasn’t listed under her motherly duties. Sarah kept pushing him, telling him to just get it over with before Steve got someone pregnant. Joseph reminded her he was just in the eighth grade and was probably too embarrassed of it all to actually try it with anyone. To force things along, Sarah started adding prenatal expenses to their bills to light a fire under Joseph. After seeing just how broke they would be with a baby on the way, Joseph swore he’d talk to Steve as soon as he could. Sarah made him swear by the end of the week. School was ending then and one bored, uneducated summer afternoon alone with Marnie could end them in debt for the next eighteen years.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

Sarah came home Saturday night, knowing damn well Joseph had yet to even look at Steve. The guilt was plain on his face as he kissed her goodbye and headed to work. This year was his turn to be the nocturnal worker, though being a nurse meant late-nights were never really off the table for Sarah. She ruffled Steve’s hair as she passed him on her way into the kitchen.

“How was Marnie tonight?” asked Sarah. She stared blankly at the frozen Jana-Barnes-lasagna that was calling her name before slamming the icebox shut. She’d promised herself that lasagna would last the week and she’d already eaten an entire quarter in two days.

“She was good.” Sarah had almost forgotten she’d even asked a question. “Mom, can I ask you something?”

“Sure, anything, Stevie,” sighed Sarah as she determinedly left the kitchen and the lasagna and rounded the couch to sit in her armchair. Everything was sore after a shift and nothing was quite as soothing as her armchair. “What’s on your mind?”

Something about Steve’s bright red face, fidgeting hands, and darting eyes tipped her off. Her heart pounded in her ears as she got ready to leap from her suddenly-uncomfortable armchair and dash to bring Joseph back. She’d had a son this wasn’t in her job description. It could be something harmless, though, Steve wasn’t known for his proportional responses to minor inconveniences.

“Okay so…At school, Father Trent went over a few things didn’t make sense to me,” said Steve. Sarah wasn’t a religious authority but she knew her way around the Bible and this was certainly better than talking to her baby boy about sex.

“Fire away.” Sarah confidently sat back in her arm chair, fingers threaded together, as she prepared to recall years and years of her Catholic upbringing and expertise. The pop quiz she’d been preparing for her whole life.

“So you know how it says it’s a sin to lie with a man? How is that even possible?” Steve was avoiding eye contact and Sarah’s stomach had caved in on itself. Suddenly being able to recite perfect religious latin didn’t give her any confidence.

“What…What do you mean?” stammered Sarah. A sweaty hand combed through her hair and got caught in tangles halfway down.

“I mean how would that even work? How can it be a sin if it doesn’t exist?” said Steve. Strangely enough the redness in his face was beginning to recede as genuine curiosity took him over. Sarah pulled her clammy hand from her hair and thought about her answer for a few tense moments. She’d rehearsed this speech to some degree with Joseph, it was easier in rehearsals.

“Well.” Sarah sat upright and cleared her throat. “Sex is how you show your wife or husband how much you love—“

“No!” screeched Steve. “I know all of that, please, you don’t have to explain it.”

The knot in her stomach untwisted and the remainder of the speech erased itself from her memory. Her posture lost some of it’s starch and she stopped sweating.

“So then, what is it exactly you want to know?”

“I don’t…” Steve’s hands gestured to something not there as he fumbled over words. “It doesn’t exist— if that’s what sex is then it doesn’t exist so why is it a sin?”

“Well, there are other ways to do it so it does exist just not in the same way.”

“But…how can…” began Steve, stopping his question half way through for reasons Sarah could predict.

“There are so many ways to do it really. You don’t always have to be trying to have a baby. In fact, it’s usually easier to conceive when you aren’t both stressing over it.” Her days as a nurse had made this speech second nature but her days as a mother had made this speech completely new ground and her words were coming out slow and unsure which definitely wasn’t helping answer Steve’s question. “Anyway I suppose the sinful part is doing…all that jazz without being able to make a baby.”

“But…You just said it shouldn’t be just about babies,” said Steve. Sarah nodded and sighed and waited for some clinical explanation to come to her. But nothing did. She’d never once had to have this discussion with anyone and she hadn’t fine-tuned it.

“I think, in my opinion, it’s fine to just have fun and not necessarily try for a baby. But with two men or two women there’s no chance of a baby so it’s…bad?” She hadn’t ever really had to think this through and was beginning to confuse herself in the process. Was that really even her opinion? She hadn’t thought about the whole situation long enough to form an opinion really.

“What if someone’s like you and they can’t have a baby?”

“Well…” Leave it to Steve to pitch zero softballs. Sarah said the first thing that came to mind and hoped that it made sense and that she agreed with it. “I think that’s okay because you have all the parts you need for a baby even if it never happens there’s always a chance.”

“Okay…I guess that makes sense…” said Steve as he stared into space and mulled it over. She had a feeling she hadn’t actually answered what Steve was initially asking but she had given her half-formed opinions on the sinful side of sex. Sarah was on thin ice, one more question might reveal how little she knew. She made a mental note to ask these same questions in confession for a more succinct or, at the very least, coherent answer.

Steve frowned and stared deeper into the fireplace. “But how do you know if it’s sex if it’s not just…the baby-making kind? How do you know if you did something bad?”

Sarah held her breath very briefly. Steve had done something. With someone. And there was a reason he brought up the Leviticus verse. But she had to stay calm for his sake. He clearly didn’t need any panicking from anyone, he was doing enough on his own.

“Did something happen with Marnie?” asked Sarah with no hint of judgement in her voice. Steve didn’t answer and Sarah figured she probably didn’t really want to know anyway. “Well, Stevie, I’m sure you didn’t do anything God’ll be mad at, okay? You’re a good boy, these things are just a fun part of life and you shouldn’t get so worried about what God thinks, or what anyone thinks about it. It’s no one’s business but your own.”

“You mean that? God’s not mad?” said Steve, his blush finally fading a bit and eye contact coming naturally to them both.

“No He’s not mad. Y’know God and Jesus are a lot more understanding than people want you to think.”

Steve grinned. “I guess so, yeah.”

“Right. Go to confession and work this out with Him, you’ll feel a lot better.”

Sarah figured it must’ve been divine intervention that led her to be the one Steve unloaded all of this onto. Of course, Joseph avoiding the topic and Steve probably waiting for time alone with Sarah probably did it as well. Joseph would have had no earthly idea of what to say, he probably would’ve ended up panicking Steve more and giving him a complex. She wasn’t always confident in her mothering skills but tonight she was sure she’d won.

She’d earned some more of that lasagna that Jana had brought over and after eating another enormous portion of it she said goodnight to Steve. She wanted to wait up and talk to Joseph about it all. She was more than happy to make Steve feel better about whatever had happened to him but she needed Joseph there to make her feel better. He’d brought up the topic analytically but no matter how curious he was, Sarah simply didn’t believe Steve had waited around all day to ask her about being queer out of innocent curiosity. She needed Joseph around, she needed to come up with a strategy on how to deal with it, and she needed Joseph to be on the same page. But staying up all night to wait for his return wouldn’t help so she counted an obscene amount of sheep before her mind finally began to clear.

She felt she’d been asleep for a total of maybe ten minutes when she was startled awake by the front door creaking open. She checked the clock and found she’d been asleep for three hours but Joseph still wasn’t due back for another six. She grabbed the bat she kept by her nightstand and padded her way to her door. A lot of tip-toes and uncomfortable angles gave her a clear shot to the front door. There was no burly man forcing his way in. It was Steve inching the door open, no doubt trying to avoid waking Sarah. Outside someone was whispering to him. As her eyes adjusted she recognized their guest as Bucky.

“I’ll make it up to you, I’ll…I’ll do your homework for a month,” whispered Bucky. Steve shook his head.

“You don’t need to make it up to me.”

“I do though, and I will.” said Bucky. “Did…Did you tell anyone?”

“Sort of…My mom thinks it was something to do with Marnie,” whispered Steve. Bucky breathed a sigh of a relief.

“Good…and we shouldn’t feel guilty about keeping it a secret cause it’ll never happen again, ever,” assured Bucky.

“Right. So it’s not really keeping a secret it’s just…not telling everyone everything—” began Steven.

“Which is impossible to do anyway. You can’t tell everyone everything all the time so this is…normal,” interrupted Bucky. “And I already did the Hail Mary’s, so God’s not mad either.”

Both agreed on that rationalization before saying a brief goodnight. Steve closed the door and hurried back up the stairs. Sarah closed her door, set the bat down, and knew she wouldn’t be sleeping.

They’d kissed as children, it was probably something stupid like that. And they’d said it’d never happen again, Bucky even apologized which was a clear indication of regret if not embarrassment. They’d just tested some waters together again and knew they’d crossed a friendship line. Keeping it a secret was best. If anyone found out they’d have a fit. So it was just another incident, though they probably wouldn’t laugh about this one at their weddings but a silly incident all the same. Even so, Sarah decided there would be no harm in forming a backup plan.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

The next morning, while she fixed her hair and while Joseph showered, she told him she’d had the talk with Steve the night before. He laughed and apologized for not getting to it sooner. Sarah didn’t tell him how the talk had started or what Steve was actually asking but she did give him the gist in a roundabout way.

“So he won’t be getting Marnie pregnant then?” teased Joseph.

“If he does I blame you,” laughed Sarah.

“At least then we know for sure he’ll have a wife. He’s so shy around girls I was afraid he’d never get here.”

“Speaking of.” She’d plotted out most of her words the night before and was hoping they’d sound natural now. “Do you ever wonder if maybe he’s…not interesting in women?”

“What like…you think he’s queer?” said Joseph, most of the humor gone from his voice.

“No, of course not. He said there’s a rumor about a boy in his class going around and I was just…wondering what the two of us would do if our son was…” said Sarah. It wasn’t as smooth as she remembered it being the night before.

“Well…I don’t know what we’d do. Aren’t you supposed to send them to church to get it sorted out?” said Joseph, as if he was trying to remember treatment for a cold.

“Can you fix it?”

“You must be able to, I’m sure,” said Joseph thoughtfully. “I’ve never had to think about it though.”

“Neither have I, I’m just wondering what we’d do if Steve were like that…” said Sarah, desperately trying to coax an opinion from her unsuspecting husband.

“Well…I think my cousin was a bit funny but he got it beaten out of him.”

“We’d beat Steve?” asked Sarah defensively before she remembered this whole line of questioning relied on Joseph thinking it was hypothetical.

“We don’t have to worry about it, Sarah, he’s got a girlfriend.”

“Right — but hypothetically. I think we’d…probably help him right?” asked Sarah hopefully. “Y’know…help him keep it secret?”

“Of course we’d help him. I’ll bet bein’ queer’s like bein’ an alcoholic though. They won’t thank you for helpin’ ‘em until they’re fully cured,” said Joseph before turning the water off and stepping out of the shower. He kissed Sarah’s cheek before wrapping a towel around himself. “You’re thinking pretty hard about this hypothetical, deary. Steve’s not queer, don’t worry so much about him okay?”

“Okay,” said Sarah as she pinned her last curl into place and silently apologized for keeping so much from her husband. Steve wasn’t queer, she didn’t have to worry about what she’d do if he was. And just like Joseph had said, the church knew what to do with cases like that. It’d be a quick and painless fix — a fix she didn’t have to worry about anyway. Although she knew she shouldn’t worry, she still made various promises to herself to be on Steve’s side no matter what the world threw at him.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

But as weeks turned to months, as her rosary beads got more and more worn down, Sarah came to grips and determinedly stopped worrying over nothing. Steve wasn’t queer and that was the end of it. As he and Steve got older, Bucky started dragging Steve on double dates every weekend. Marnie occasionally still went out with them but she had moved on from doting on Steve for reasons unknown. Marnie dumping him would’ve been the perfect opportunity to panic about his sexuality but Sarah stopped herself. If Joseph wasn’t worried then why should she be? Girls their age did have trouble looking past Steve’s height or lack there of, that was all. Given some time to mature, the girls wouldn’t care if Steve was little. Until then she had to deal with Steve coming home and sulking in his room almost every weekend.

With her fears about Steve completely gone, her money troubles getting smaller every other month, and her marriage stronger than ever before, her son hadn’t been sick in weeks and she hadn’t been sick in months, Sarah dared to realize how drastically her luck had changed. Then God decided to throw her yet another curveball she wasn’t prepared for as punishment. A mere few months before Steve’s fifteenth birthday, Sarah answered the door and found two policemen on her stoop with stoic faces and antsy hands. Joseph, her loving, doting, caring husband and father of her only living son, dropped dead of a heart attack while at work. Out like a light. Gone without a warning.

Sarah’s knees went weak as she tried to stay upright and failed. She sat, quick and hard, on the front stoop. Her head was spinning as she waited for it all to sink in. One of the policemen knelt in front of her and took one of her hands.

“I know this is a shock, and I’m so sorry to be the one telling you this. His body will be kept until you decide on a funeral home, unless you have one already,” said the policeman. His body. His body. His lifeless body. She’d never see him again, never talk to him again, never feel his arms around her again. And yet just that morning she’d done all three.

“Mom? What’s going on?” came Steve’s voice from the top of the steps inside. Sarah turned to look at him, only then noticing the tears in her eyes when she looked at Steve’s blurry face. She let out one sole whimper as she felt her heart rip in two.

“Mom, what happened?” cried Steve. Though his voice sounded very much like he already knew exactly what had happened. She let go of the police officer and thanked them as they helped her to her feet. She shut the front the door and ushered Steve into the kitchen where she got herself a glass of water. “Mom?”

“Stevie, deary, your father’s had a heart attack,” said Sarah, trying to keep her voice steady and calm to no avail. Steve stared at her completely blank. She wrapped her arms around him and as soon as she had Steve unraveled into tears as well. He muttered a string of ‘no’s while Sarah squeezed him and stroked his hair. She didn’t know who she was trying to console but it wasn’t working either way.

She and Steve didn’t eat dinner, they couldn’t. They slept out on the couch, neither could bear to be alone but neither could bear to be in Sarah and Joseph’s room. She dreamt of him that night and woke to in tears once she realized it’d been a dream. The day before had to sink in again. Once that horrible wave of grief washed over her she noticed Steve wasn’t with her. She glanced around the room while her eyes focused but saw no sign of him. Then she heard the distinct whisperings of conversation and smell of breakfast being cooked were coming from the kitchen. She threw her robe on and padded from the living room to the kitchen where Steve was sat with his hand around a mug of coffee. Bucky stood at the stove, scrambling eggs.

“My mom’ll bring by some lasagnas I’m sure. I’ll tell Marnie for you,” said Bucky.

“Thanks, Buck…” trailed Steve.

“I’ll go before your mom gets up, I don’t wanna bother her,” mumbled Bucky as he scraped the eggs onto a plate and started work on the bacon.

“If that’s what you wanna do,” Steve said, barely opening his mouth.

“What do you want me to do?” asked Bucky.

“I don’t know, Buck,” replied Steve.

“I’ll tell my mom to come down, we’ll be by tomorrow afternoon I think with the lasagnas and…helping your mom with everything,” said Bucky. “I’m with ya, Stevie.”

“Morning boys,” said Sarah, figuring she’d eavesdropped long enough. Bucky froze momentarily at the stove. Steve turned to read her, just as she was doing to Steve. Had the other cried yet. Yes on both accounts.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you, Mrs. Rogers. I was just leaving—” said Bucky as he clumsily got the bacon out of the pan.

“It’s okay, Bucky. You’re sweet to make breakfast,” interrupted Sarah as she took a seat next to Steve.

“I…I’m so sorry for your loss,” said Bucky. He clearly had never had this happen before and was unsure of what to say which made Sarah all the more appreciative of his presence despite his discomfort. “I’ll get out from underfoot and get my mom started on lasagnas and…whatever else you need.”

“Thank you, Bucky,” said Sarah.

He said quick goodbyes and rushed out, leaving Steve and Sarah staring at each other from across the breakfast table. A scene they were used to. Before both Sarah and Joseph switched off becoming nocturnal, they had usual 9 to 5 jobs which meant getting up in the morning. Sarah was not a morning person and neither was Steve, but Joseph was. Sarah and Steve would stare at each other with the same blank, tired expressions while Joseph sang and declared what a beautiful day it was. Sarah had a feeling Steve was remembering a similar memory.

“Now what?” said Steve after an eternity of silence and uneaten food.

“I don’t know,” replied Sarah.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bucky was true to his word. He and both of his parents, Jana and Denton, brought Steve and Sarah enough food to last them a month. They would’ve brought more if they didn’t think it’d spoil by the time they got to eating it. Denton, feeling a bit helpless, went around the house repairing what he felt needed repairing. Bucky and Steve sat together in the living room in what sounded like complete silence while Jana sat at the table with Sarah and helped her decide on a funeral home.

Once Sarah had written the address and number down she began bawling. Jana was unfazed and quick to comfort. Sarah muttered and blubbered about Joseph missing out on Steve’s life and missing out on growing old together and how he’d never reconciled with his brother and more. Jana listened to it all without interrupting until Sarah’s tears became less convulsive and until her breathing had calmed some. She held both of Sarah’s shoulders tight and looked her straight in the eye.

“Sarah. I’ve known you for ten years now. This is the hardest thing you’ll have to do but I know you, I know you can do it. It’s all downhill from this and you’ve got me, okay? If it gets too much I’m here to carry you for a bit. You and Steve,” said Jana with conviction enough to convince Sarah. “Today’s goal was to pick a funeral home and you did it. Tomorrow’s goal is to visit it and send the name in. Friday’s we’re writing the obit and sending word back to Ireland. Can you do that?”

Sarah nodded and Jana smiled. “It’s hard but it’s not impossible.”

“I miss him so much…Half of me’s gone, Jana,” replied Sarah.

“Yes,” said Jana. “Baby steps, Sarah, we’re taking baby steps.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Jana went with her to visit the funeral home. It was lovely and welcoming and pricey but Sarah knew it’d be worth it. Thankfully, for no reason other than to spite his Irish mother, Joseph had bought grave plots for the two of them when they moved to America to prove to his mother they’d emigrated for good. At the time she thought it was a petty waste of money but now she was thankful to have a secure spot next to him.

Steve was holding up a bit better than Sarah, probably in an attempt to make his father proud. He hadn’t cried once in front of anyone other than her, and presumably Bucky, and managed to keep his composure in the funeral home, where Sarah lost it again. Later that night Jana forced Sarah to sleep in her own bed again. She said she was making their bedroom a shrine on accident. She didn’t want to sleep alone however, so Steve shared with her. And though she’d been reluctant going in she did feel incrementally better in her own bed.

Then came the funeral with Irish relatives left and right and friends they’d made in their nearly twenty years as americans. She gave the first eulogy which was easier than she thought. She could practically hear Joseph telling her she was being too melodramatic in her ear, that he was only dead. She heard that voice so strongly at one point she nearly laughed. She kissed him goodbye one last time and had a tight arm around Steve as they lowered the casket into the ground and as the priest gave Joseph his last blessings. The entire Barnes family was there with Bucky and Jana being the only two that wanted to come.

Joseph’s parents had died a few years prior and Sarah’s mother was far too sick to the make such a journey. The loneliness was verging on unbearable. But she found comfort in Steve and vice versa. They’d always been a tightly knit family since they were all they had. And now they were down one.

A month in and Sarah hadn’t touched the laundry. She was afraid of him wearing off. Of his pillow not smelling of him, his clothes not smelling of him, his sidetable not arranged how he once liked it, the bathroom counter not the perfect mess he made it. Jana didn’t press that issue. She, instead, fed the Rogers an enormous meal that they barely made a dent in. It was weeks before Sarah could wash the laundry Joseph had left behind. Steve helped her and, though it made them sad, made them cry even, they exchanged stories about Joseph and reminded the other of quirks they’d forgotten.

Something about that gave Sarah the bit of strength needed to wash her sheets, his pillow case, and throw away the peppermint wrapper and scattered receipts on his side table. The bathroom would stay full of everything he used. His cologne, his toothbrush, his hairbrush, his razor, all of it would stay where it was until she was ready. Sarah was worried Bucky would press Steve to go out with him and get his mind off things but he never did. He was at Steve’s side, reading him comics, telling him what had happened at school, helping him with his homework, and once or twice, dragging him down to Coney Island to clear his head.

She wondered to herself occasionally what would’ve become of them if they’d never known the Barnes. Who would be their support system if not Jana and Bucky.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Being a single mother had it’s downsides. Steve had always been an accommodation that the hospital didn’t need to give Sarah but now she needed more money for less work. Before Sarah could assure the hospital that she wasn’t needed at home as much since Steve was almost fifteen, she was fired. No doctor wanted a nurse who couldn’t commit 72-hour shifts. She was out of work for all of three days before Jana got her a job in a garment factory.

Sarah took the steady hours and higher pay that it came with with ease. And, unlike the hospital, the garment factory was more than willing to let her pick up extra shifts for extra pay. She was always a good seamstress, she had to be. Paying to mend rips in cheap dresses was a rookie mistake, one she never made, and her sewing expertise didn’t go unnoticed. It was only after nearly seven months that she felt a bit like herself again. Steve had bounced back a bit quicker and noticed when Sarah followed him. She could sleep alone without crying, she could remember Joseph without getting too depressed to move, she could hear his voice teasing her in her ear and laugh. She could miss him, want him back, without letting it destroy her.

And she knew Steve could do it too. They could see the light at the end of the tunnel and some days Sarah felt like she was already bathing in it. The hole in her heart, in her life, couldn’t be filled but it didn’t have to be. No one led a life without loss and she couldn’t be the exception.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

A year passed. Steve was nearing sixteen. He’d made it through the school year with high grades thanks to Bucky and summer was three weeks in. He and Bucky had gone out with different girls nearly every night of those three weeks. Somewhere in the mix of Joseph’s death, Bucky had split from his girlfriend Lara, and Steve’s split from Marnie had been so long ago Sarah often forgot it ever happened. So they were with new girls every night. That was easy for them to do since, for the past few months, Bucky had spent at least four nights a week at their house. He found it much easier to drag Steve out when he was coming back home with him. Sarah often joked and asked him if he ever missed home. According to him, the reason he spent so much time away from home was his older brother fighting with his parents about his career. Sarah had heard a similar story from Jana and didn’t want to get involved, she knew how volatile the Barnes’s could be.

More time with Steve meant more double dates with Steve, meant more disappointment for Steve. Some nights Steve wasn’t as sulky as others but he’d yet to have a third date with anyone. He’d managed to catch a few second dates but those all fizzled somehow. The only girl that stuck around was Marnie. Sarah wished she and Steve would just get back together but the longer she watched the three of them the more obvious it became that Marnie was just their friend. A close friend at that, but just a friend. She’d have to put all of her hopes in another girl.

But those sneaking suspicions wouldn’t dare return. She knew Steve would find a girl at some point, he’d just have to wait for that point a bit longer than either of them would like. And she was very sure of that for a long time. It wasn’t until the week before Steve’s sixteenth that she recalled why those suspicions had ever entered her mind in the first place.

They were supposed to be out until late and so was Sarah. But she’d managed to get someone to pick up her shift so she could get Steve’s birthday gift. It hadn’t taken as long as she’d planned and she now had a free night to herself. After dancing to most of Joseph’s old records with a whiskey in hand, she took a break and cracked open War and Peace again. She’d been trying to read it for about six years now and simply couldn’t find the interest. That didn’t change tonight and after four pages the book returned to its shelf.

She was about to start a cleaning rampage out of boredom when she heard a loud ‘stop it’ shouted from somewhere down the street. She, like most of the other neighbors, peeked out of the blinds to find the source. It was Steve and Bucky walking down the street. Well, Steve was on the verge of a run and Bucky right behind him. But they’d both stopped when they saw all of the neighbors staring out at them. Fortunately their neighborhood was used to shouting in the middle of the night and every one went from high interest to none in a few seconds. Sarah, however, wanted to know what had upset Steve enough to shout.

She flicked off the lamp next to her and continued peeking out of the blinds. She couldn’t hear what they were snapping back and forth but it was clear they were fighting. Bucky was doing most of the talking and Steve was doing most of the ignoring until finally Bucky grabbed his arm and forced Steve to face him. She couldn’t tell what was being said but Bucky looked very serious, and very upset. Two things Bucky almost never was.

He wasn’t angry, or he was, but he was more frustrated as far as Sarah could see. He might even have been crying. Steve shook his arm out of Bucky’s grip which was far easier than Sarah thought it might be. Steve said something, Bucky shook his head, and Steve pushed him in response. Bucky pushed back. And then Steve, and then Bucky and then Steve, and then Bucky. And then Steve slapped Bucky clear across the face. Bucky waited a few seconds before retaliating with a similar slap. It might’ve ended there judging by Bucky’s facial expression of pure guilt but Steve punched him. Bucky clutched at his jaw for a few seconds before tackling him.

Sarah was going to go out and break the fight up but the fighting didn’t last very long. They rolled around in front of the steps leading to their little townhouse for thirty odd seconds before they both paused and stared blankly at each other. She’d never seen them fight, not really. They’d gotten into arguments but they’d never hit each other. But even now, Sarah felt something was off. The fighting was done and they were still just looking at each other. She didn’t know if it was her place to intervene. They’d always had a more complex dynamic than most and maybe this was just a part of it.

Still. The heels of Bucky’s hands were digging deep into Steve’s shoulders. He could keep Steve there all night if he wanted to. That thought was enough to make Sarah consider interrupting but something stopped her. Bucky was so close to him, too close to him. And quite suddenly the memory of Steve splitting hairs over what was considered a sin flooded back. She froze.

They stared at each other so intensely for what felt like ages before Steve said something. She couldn’t tell if Bucky responded with his back to her but second later he’d jumped up and was sprinting back towards home. Steve stayed on the ground in front of their stoop for a few seconds. Sarah stared out of the blinds, waiting for Steve to get up. He didn’t, he just lay there in the light of the streetlamps. Sarah was en route to scrape him off the sidewalk but when she noticed him wiping tears from his face she decided the last person he wanted to see was her.

It was another five minutes before he trudged inside. Sarah was in the kitchen pouring herself coffee when he did. She hoped he’d be enticed by the coffee and stop to talk to her but he did no such thing. He came in, shed his shoes, and was halfway up the stairs before Sarah called up to him.

“What’s wrong, Stevie, I heard you and Bucky fighting out there earlier?” said Sarah.

“That wasn’t us,” replied Steve as the door to his room slammed.

Maybe nothing would come of it, maybe she was putting too much stock into something that wouldn’t ever happen. After all, from what she’d seen earlier, her suspicions had been proven wrong. Steve wasn’t queer, Bucky was. Though she’d once vowed to protect Steve if he turned out queer, having it stare her in the face she could practically feel hellfire lapping at her for not stepping in before something started. Then again she’d been so damn sure when she’d promised herself to help Steve, there must’ve been some merit in those feelings. In the end she couldn’t decide what was sinful for herself, no amount of worrying her rosary abated the stress that came with seeing what she had.

She needed to confess.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti. Amen,” said the priest. Sarah was shaking, she’d never shaken in confession. She’d never had a reason to be afraid, to be nervous.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been…two months or so since my last Confession. And these are my sins,” began Sarah. She couldn’t bring herself to say it. She went over every sinful detail of her life in the previous two months until she heard the priest make a noise when she confessed to using an outdated stamp. If she didn’t get it off her chest now it’d start weighing on her even more. “And…and I think my son and his best friend might be…um…an item.”

It wasn’t the best wording, in fact it didn’t even touch on the part she was worried about.

“An…item?” said the priest.

“Yes — Father, his best friend is,” she had to stop herself short, she almost said Bucky’s name, “a boy and I saw them almost kiss.”

“You were spying?”

“Y-yes, Father,” that wasn’t the detail she assumed he’d focus on. “I saw them through the blinds.”

“And what did you do?”

“I…went to bed and came here as soon as I woke up,” said Sarah. “I’ve been suspicious of this for years but now I’m beginning to really worry.”

“So they never actually kissed?”

“No, Father, but they were so close — I don’t know if it’s a real sin for two boys—”

“It is,” interrupted the priest. The rebellious streak in Sarah wanted to argue, wanted to ask a slew of existential questions demanding proof that this was a sin. Demanding proof of a truth she’d been taught since as far back as she could remember. But was she so cocky, so self-assured, that she’d trust her son’s immortal soul to her own interpretation rather than a priests?

“I’ve worried about this before, Father, but I prayed and thought we’d moved past it but now I’m worried I didn’t help him before it was too late,” said Sarah with a dose of guilt. She felt like she’d welched on the promise she’d made to be on Steve’s side but God knew better than her, He’d guide Steve better than she ever could.

“How did all of this come about, what was happening?”

“They got into a fight and they…just stopped fighting,” said Sarah. Her voice betraying her nerves. “And then his friend ran away.”

“So you have no idea of what they’d said to each other? What they were fighting over?”

“I…” began Sarah. “I suppose I don’t, Father.”

“Communication is important. You shouldn’t assume the worst of your son based on a possible misunderstanding,” said the priest.

“But, Father, what should I do if it’s as I assumed?” begged Sarah.

“You should send your son to me,” said the priest. “He is nearly an adult, this is not your sin.”

“But, Father, I raised this boy, his actions stem from something I’ve done or taught him.” Or the fact that for his entire upbringing her naive self had practically welcomed it.

“Sarah, do you blame your shortcomings on your mother?”

Sarah sighed deeply. “I don’t, Father.”

“You’re a good mother. Perhaps that’s why God chose to give your son this obstacle, because He knows you will guide him. As for lying to your neighbor about having flour, leaving a tip that was too small, and using an expired stamp, I think apologies and promises to refrain from doing it again would suffice.”

“Thank you, Father.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sarah let it simmer. She kept it at the back of her mind and wore down her rosary in her search for clarity. That Sunday she watched the priest’s back and occasionally danced her fingertips across Steve’s shoulders. Was Steve actually a queer? Would he tell her if he was? Was it just Bucky who was queer? Had God given Steve such a demon to battle because He knew she’d be there to help him? Had He given Steve a demon at all or was it just Bucky? Had He taken Joseph away because He knew Joseph wouldn’t help? Had He taken Joseph as punishment for Sarah ever thinking being queer was anything less than lethal?

She almost forgot to kneel with the final prayer because of how deep in thought she was. She prayed, begged for mercy on Steve. He’d had more than his fair share of misery thrown his way, he didn’t need this thrown on top.

When they were children, Steve and Bucky found each other after Mass and ran around the grounds while Sarah and Joseph spoke to Jana and Denton. But these days, Steve and Bucky had usually spent the previous night out on Coney Island together and didn’t need to exchange more than a few words promising to see each other in a few hours.

Today Steve wasn’t talking to Bucky. He was talking to Rebecca and Tommy, Bucky’s siblings. Sarah scanned the pews for Bucky and came up empty. She was calling off her own search when Jana took her hand.

“Can I speak to you, Sarah?”

“Of course,” said Sarah, her mind elsewhere completely. “Is Bucky not here today? It’s usually my son who’s ill.”

“He’s run off to confess…Let’s talk outside,” said Jana as she led Sarah out of the hall. It always made Sarah’s heart sink just a bit when she saw the new families watching as their young children mixed and mingled just as Steve and Bucky had once done. Those were simpler times. She sighed out the nostalgia before facing Jana again who looked inexplicably pale.

“Jana, is something wrong?” asked Sarah.

“I need an enormous favor from you, Sarah. I wouldn’t ask if I knew any other way,” whispered Jana urgently.

“Of course, Jana, anything.”

“Don’t agree until you’ve heard it…I need Bucky to live with you.”

“To live…Jana, what happened?” Sarah wondered if Jana knew what she knew, if she’d seen something similar to the events of the previous Friday. If she’d always had suspicions about Bucky too. In the moment she felt that if Jana could confirm her suspicions about Bucky she could stop suspecting Steve of the same thing. Whether that logic would still make sense later was anybody’s guess.

“Well…Tommy graduated last year and ever since he’s been a horrible pain to live with. He’s upset that Vince managed to move out and he hasn’t.”

“I knew that. That’s why Bucky’s been staying over so often, right?”

“Right,” said Jana with a nod. “But I think it’s taking another toll on Bucky. I won’t go into much detail but…well…I think he needs to live somewhere a bit calmer without so much testosterone.”

“Why? What do you think’s happened?” asked Sarah. She was feigning being coy and knew damn well what was happening to Bucky.

“I…I don’t know. I just think that all of this hyper-masculinity going on in the house has made him too in touch with his feminine side to compensate. The other night I…” Jana’s colorless face somehow lost even more color as she pulled Sarah further from the crowds and lowered her voice to a near-silent volume, “I caught him wearing Marianna’s lipstick.”

“Lipstick…” repeated Sarah as Jana shook her head in shame.

“I made him take it off, he told me he was looking for lip balm…I just don’t want him to get more confused. I think it’d be good for him to stay with you since he knows you so well and since he and Steve aren’t very competitive with each other — but feel free to say no, I know it’s a lot to ask of you,” said Jana. Bucky in lipstick. Steve might not be funny after all. This could all be one big one-sided misunderstanding. She hoped the relief she felt flood her wasn’t reading on her face.

But even with Steve not being queer, it was becoming more and more obvious that Bucky was. And that night he’d pinned Steve down in the middle of the street. Bucky wouldn’t hurt a fly unless it was for Steve, but that night had been eerie enough to make her think twice about letting Bucky live with Steve.

But Bucky had come to church with his cheek split right open. At first she thought Bucky had just gotten caught in the crossfire of another fight instigated by Steve but now she knew that had been punishment. If she didn’t take him in there would be more where that came from.

“I…I’ll have to ask Steve first—”

“Of course,” interrupted Jana. “And thank you for even considering it. I’d give you all the money you need to feed him, he’s always hungry.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“They’re kicking him out?!” shouted Steve over dinner that night.

“No, they’re not. They’re asking if he can stay with us,” said Sarah tiredly as she tried to cut the tough meat.

“Because they’re kicking him out. Did they say why?”

“She said Tommy and Mr. Barnes have been fighting a lot and she thinks it’s getting to Bucky. Says she wants him in a calmer environment. I’m sure she’s worried about his grades slipping and all of that,” said Sarah.

“That doesn’t make any sense, his grades are almost perfect—what about Rebecca and Marianna? They’re not kicking them out!”

“Steve,” sighed Sarah. “They’re his parents, they think he’s stressing about the situation with Tommy. They’re not throwing him out on the street.”

“Well…I think we can still fit in my bed, and there’s enough space in my closet for most of his stuff,” began Steve.

“He doesn’t have to live here.” She hadn’t expected him to get on board so quickly, or at all really. “I don’t want you to feel pressured just because he’s—”

“He’s my best friend, Ma. If I can’t even house him when he needs it, what am I good for?” laughed Steve. It was like he’d completely forgotten what happened. He just forgot hwo Bucky had thrown him to the ground and practically molested him for all of their neighbors to see. There was forgiveness and then there was denial.

“Bucky was sure eager to get to confession. He didn’t even stop to say hello…Is he okay?” asked Sarah. Steve shrugged and tried to hide his bright pink cheeks.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sarah instructed Steve to tell Bucky to move in the next day at school. She spent her entire shift worrying her rosary and wondering if she’d made the right choice in letting Bucky stay. Bucky was a second son to her, she’d do anything for him unless that anything enabled him to hurt Steve. The question was, did she think Bucky would hurt him. The obvious answer was a firm ’no’. But doubt wheedled it’s horrible way into Sarah’s mind and she wondered. If he wasn’t above pinning Steve down like he had, what else was he not above.

By the time she turned onto their street, Bucky and Steve were walking up the opposite end with a dolly full of boxes in front of them. They were laughing loudly about something. Sarah couldn’t hear their exact words over the loud clanking and screeching of the dolly. They sped up when they saw her, she smiled and waved and her eyes raked over a horrific split in Bucky’s cheek, she hadn’t gotten a good look at church and it was so much worse up close.

“Is this it?” asked Sarah. Four boxes was Bucky’s entire life. She was trying not to stare at his cheek.

“Yep,” said Bucky with a wide grin. “Thank you again for letting me stay here with you —”

“There’s no need for all that, Bucky, we’re family,” said Sarah. She meant it, she didn’t know how much longer she would mean it though. Steve and Bucky got the boxes in the house and the dolly back in the closet under the stairs. Steve ran upstairs with a box of Bucky’s clothes, Bucky would’ve been right behind him had Sarah not tugged on his sleeve.

“I know Steve may be in favor of sharing a bed with you but I think it’s too tight of a fit and—” began Sarah. Steve and Bucky had always shared his bed when Bucky slept over and he’d been sharing Steve’s bed the last few weeks as well. Sarah couldn’t do much to protect Steve if he didn’t want protection, but she could insist on this.

“I — I think I’ll take the cot out and sleep in the living room if that’s all right?” interrupted Bucky.

“Eh…That’d be fine,” said Sarah. She’d expected some hurt feelings or a bit of a disagreement. Bucky smiled quickly and politely before taking another box up to Steve’s room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls comment I'm dying inside, also why tf can I change the date on when the chapter is published to some time in the past??? ao3 is enablin lies


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is anyone still reading this lmao, also its my birthday *party popper emoji*

Bucky slept in the living room. Steve had offered his bed to share nearly every night and Bucky had declined each and every time. It was admirable. Bucky knew what was happening to him and he was controlling it, he was resisting. After a week of watching Bucky reject offers to sleep with temptation, she felt much better about when she had to leave them alone. 

But the more she prayed for a cure the more resistance she felt. Like something was off. She felt guilty for begging for a cure, she felt disgusted with herself. She had chalked it up to that same guilty feeling she’d felt when she first confessed her suspicions. She was betraying her younger self who had promised to help Steve, and by extension Bucky, no matter how they turned out. At least that’s how she rationalized it. It weighed on her mind daily and more importantly nightly.

She’d spent an entire day praying and trying to unload some of the guilt and confusion. An entire day with the same thoughts in her head and naturally they didn’t leave her just because she finally fell asleep. 

“Sarah,” said Joseph’s voice. She couldn’t see him but he was there. She couldn’t see anything but somehow she didn’t have to. 

“Oh, is it you then? Is it really you or just a dream?” replied Sarah.

“It’s both, deary. I’ve missed you.”

“Have you? Is it lonely up there?” 

“It’s impossible to feel lonely up there. But Sarah, you’re doing so well with Steve. I’m so proud of you.”

“Why tonight, Joe? Am I coming with you?”

“It’ll be some time before that, Sarah. Bucky’s grown so tall, I hope Steve doesn’t get a complex,” laughed Joseph.

“I think we’re past that point,” said Sarah. “Why don’t you come visit me more often?”

“You need a talking to.”

“Is that right?”

“It’s okay. Bucky doesn’t need a cure, Sarah, he needs a friend. Someone to tell him it’s okay.”

“But — But it’s against the Word. You must just be a figment of my imagination if you’re telling me God approves when He’s explicitly written the opposite.”

“Sarah, you know I’m right. That’s what I love most about you, your moral compass is so much stronger than the world’s. Steve gets that from you, you know?”

“Joseph, don’t be so cryptic. I don’t know better than God and He said it’s a sin.”

“You know that’s not true, Sarah. Bucky needs someone. He needs you to tell him he’s okay or he’ll do something drastic to try and change himself.”

“Tell Steve to talk to him.”

“He’s not going to listen to Steve, not for this. Oh, Sarah, don’t be afraid. This is the right thing, and you’ll know it when you wake up. What you say to him is going to shape our son’s life from here on out.”

“Can you See? You always talked big like you could but…can you really See now?”

“Bits and pieces.”

“Am I with him? In the future am I still with Steve?”

“That’s not yours to know. But Steve is very happy. And it’s because of what you’ll do for Bucky. He’ll lose his closest friend if you say nothing, or worse, if you encourage this mad cycle of confession and shame.”

“Confession and shame?”

“Sarah, you know Bucky. He’d do anything to protect our Stevie. He’s stealing away to confess every other day. Please, give him a shove in the right direction for Steve’s sake if not his own.”

“Anything for Steve, for you.”

“Deary, you don’t play my records near enough.”

“Can you watch over us up there?”

“In a way. And I want to hear my music more often, okay? I want to be able to dance with you more often.”

“I’d do anything to have you back.”

“I’m not going anywhere. You’ve got time left yet to dance with someone new, y’know.”

“I can wait for you.”

“Sarah,” laughed Joseph. “What if you’ve got another twenty odd years left in ya?”

“It’d be worth it,” said Sarah with a smile as Joseph wrapped an arm around her waist. “I love you, more than words can say.”

“That goes double for me. Come on, one dance before I have to leave and you have to go back to sleep,” laughed Joseph.

She woke up late the next day half expecting the night before to feel like the dream that it was. But the more she thought about it the more real it’d felt. The unease in her stomach that had been a given in her life ever since Bucky had moved in was gone. Joseph’s presence or voice or words carried a life-like weight to them, there had to be some merit behind the clear instructions he’d handed off to her. But, much like everything else in her life, talking to Bucky about something like this was easier said than done.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bucky was hard to catch. She was working when he was home and he was out when she home. Maybe she’d been avoiding the conversation on some base level. Her stomach filled with butterflies every time she tried to draft her speech. But on a more conscious level she was trying to get him alone, trying to corner him without scaring him off. It didn’t help that message she had to give him felt wrong. She’d never been one to think higher of herself than of God no matter how often their opinions clashed and when it came down to the wire she knew she had to side with God. But if Joseph had to visit her in a dream to point her in the right direction it was bound to feel a little unnatural. She had to keep promising herself it was Steve, for Bucky and for Steve.

Along with the speech she’d been given by Joseph, she’d been told where Bucky was stealing away to. Sarah hadn’t really noticed how often he was absent and hadn’t taken Steve with him but once Joseph mentioned he was compulsively confessing it all added up. She’d hoped to one day catch him coming back from or on his way to confession. A time when he’d likely be a little more receptive to what she had to say. He’d be either preparing to spill his guts to a priest or returning from spilling his guts, he’d be away from Steve, and with a figure of comfort. 

Or so she assumed. She’d always considered herself a second mother to Bucky, someone he could trust. His decision to move in with them proved that to her, but his more recent and active decision to keep this from her had her confidence as one of his confidants fading. It’d been nearly a month and Bucky had been in his same cycle of confession and secrecy and hadn’t once broken it to talk to her. She was doing her damnedest to catch him alone but he was far slipperier than she’d given him credit for.

Her strategy of waiting for him to leave or come home was growing thinner as well. Steve was starting to miss his friend who kept ditching him in favor of the church and whenever Bucky returned to his sight, Steve was at his side. Sarah never had the chance to get a word in edgewise.

“Buck! You’re finally back,” called Steve mere seconds after Bucky returned from confession. Sarah had already poured a second cup of coffee as bait but coffee was no competition for Steve. “Come help me with french, I’m drownin’.”

Bucky shut the front door and ignored Sarah’s boring gaze as he joined Steve in the living room. Sarah drummed her fingers on her mug before getting up out of her seat and peering around the stairs into the den. She didn’t know what exactly she was spying on. She knew Bucky thought of himself as a monster and there’d be nothing interesting happening but still.

Steve sat on the floor with his homework spread out on the coffee table, Bucky sat on the couch behind him, reading over his shoulder. 

“Don’t laugh but I made a song to memorize the conjugations —” began Bucky. Steve tilted his head back to look up at Bucky with a wide grin on his face.

“You wrote a song?” said Steve with a suppressed giggle. Bucky laughed. It was rare sound these days.

“Do you wanna learn french or not?”

“Teach me,” said Steve, more serious now. Sarah couldn’t see Bucky’s facial expression but it must’ve hardened. He stood up, muttered ‘maybe later’, and Sarah hurried back to the kitchen to avoid Bucky storming upstairs.

So maybe God hadn’t given her a funny son for her to guide in the right direction but instead gave her a surrogate son to guide in the right direction. The confessing wasn’t working and Bucky was pushing Steve away as some sort of self-punishment. That must’ve been what Joseph had warned her about. If she didn’t get it through Bucky’s thick skull that he wasn’t the monster the world had made him out to be, he’d stop speaking to Steve. She didn’t have to understand every facet of what Bucky was feeling to know she didn’t want Steve to be as lonely as he was before Bucky came along.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sarah grew weary the more nights she failed to trick Bucky into a conversation. It was painful to watch him distance himself from Steve and to know there was probably not much she could do about it. There was still the enormous chance that Bucky wouldn’t be receptive to what she had to say, that it might even make things worse. She wouldn’t stop trying but she also wouldn’t stop worrying. 

She got off work and massaged her hands until she got to the bus stop. Her mother had had arthritis but she was sure she’d lucked out of that. God knew she inherited every other horrible health trait, she figured she deserved a break at some point. She didn’t get one, though. The bus didn’t come and her joints still ached. She began the long haul home before realizing she was also en route to church, where Bucky more than likely was already given the time. She might as well check.

A Wednesday night meant the church was mostly empty. Three people dotted the pews. A young couple and Bucky. All knelt and silent in prayer. Sarah’s eyes weren’t what they used to be but she could tell Bucky was on his third decade of his rosary. She didn’t want to interrupt. Instead she took a seat behind him and waited until the last bead had been held and prayed on. She heard him whisper the last words of his prayers and waited until he had completely sagged against the pew before she stood and joined him. 

“Mrs. Rogers,” whispered Bucky. He sat up straighter the second he saw her. She smiled and took the seat right next to him. She let her perfect posture relax in hopes that Bucky would follow suit. He didn’t, he stayed starched up but she was much too anxious and tired to care.

“Is this where you’ve been coming all this time?” asked Sarah, already knowing the answer was yes. 

“I just…wanted more time to…reflect,” said Bucky. He wouldn’t look her in the eye but at the very least he’d relaxed against the back of the pew with Sarah.

“Bucky…talk to me,” said Sarah in as even a voice as she could fake.

“There’s nothing to tell, honest.” His voice was strained.

“If there were nothing to tell you wouldn’t be stealing away to church every spare chance you got,” said Sarah matter-of-factly. Bucky wasn’t going to tell her, she could waterboard him and he’d stay silent. She had to say it first or the conversation would end there. She sat up a bit and stared at the jeweled cross standing tall at the table no more than ten feet away. “God made me very sick. I never thought I’d make it this far. I’m amazed I survived having Steve.”

Bucky didn’t reply and Sarah didn’t want him to. She kept her eyes fixed on the crucifix in front of her. “He gives everyone their own plight. Everyone has a cross to bear and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

Bucky’s eyes were misty as he nodded. 

“Your cross is the world telling you you’re wrong. And no matter how much you hear that from the world, from the church, from whoever, you have to know, you’re not wrong. It’s part of who you are and nothing about you is something to be fixed or embarrassed of. I know you’ve got feelings for Steve—”

“I don’t—”

“And that’s okay,” said Sarah. “Any form of love is a blessing.”

“But…Mrs. Rogers, this could ruin out friendship. I have to get rid of this before it gets worse,” said Bucky. 

“Bucky, deary, you can’t fall out of love with someone no matter how hard you try. A part of you is with them forever whether you like it or not. You’re always gonna care about him this much but it doesn’t have to be so bad, Bucky, one day you might be just friends again,” said Sarah. 

“That’s what I’m trying to get done but it’s nothin’s working,” bit Bucky. He was now bright red and holding his breath, staring at Sarah. His knuckles were white around his rosary, his pupils were blown out and Sarah could practically hear his heart racing. 

“Keep praying, Bucky. God might let you off the hook here but love doesn’t have to destroy your friendship, just let it take it’s course” said Sarah calmly. “In the meantime, stop ignoring Steve. He’s not the problem.”

“I—I’m not a queer,” said Bucky with no real conviction.

“Sure,” said Sarah. “Now let’s go home, I’ve got to start dinner.”

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Sarah prayed as well. She confessed and told the priest, hoping he might agree with some of what Joseph had told her. Instead he demanded she send Bucky to him. Bucky was doing that himself, he hadn’t stopped confessing every other day. She hoped he was trying to get rid of his feelings for Steve because they were friends, but she had a feeling he was still trying to purge himself of his feelings because Steve was a boy. 

And Bucky was dedicated. He went to confession at least twice a week and his rosary was always on his person. But, at the very least, he wasn’t holding Steve at arm’s length anymore. They were back to being closer than brothers within a week of his and Sarah’s chat. Though, Sarah couldn’t help but notice the looks Bucky gave him when he thought no one was watching. It reminded her of herself when she’d first fallen madly in love with Joseph. Of course if she told Bucky that he’d move out.

After weeks of compulsive confession and anxiety and stress and secrecy and shame, Bucky got another girlfriend. Sarah’s breath caught in her throat when he told her. Her dead husband had made a special appearance in the living world to console Bucky about his sexuality and he’d gone and gotten a girl. A nice girl. Marnie. In the end, Marnie wasn’t too close to Bucky and Steve to date one of them. Steve had sulked for three full days when Bucky finally told him. Steve only stopped sulking when he got the idea to ask Rebecca out on their usual double date. Bucky had been so angry with Steve for going near his sister that when they got home late that night Sarah woke to Bucky and Steve shouting at each other. 

The phrases ‘she’s my sister’ and ‘of all the girls you choose Marnie’ made repeat appearances in the argument. Sarah didn’t intervene, she didn’t even really eavesdrop. She was too tired and the fight didn’t last long. It was a week before they were back on good terms. Steve was with Rebecca, Bucky was with Marnie. Sarah thanked God nightly for giving them both a second chance at a normal life. People already teased Steve for his health and height, and Bucky for being so close to Steve, they didn’t need the added layer of genuine hate from their peers. Had they been unable to avoid it, Sarah’s door would’ve been open, but Bucky got a girl. The problem fixed itself.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Bucky! You are not taking a job at the docks! You’re finishing school!” shouted Sarah as Bucky stormed upstairs. It’d been a few months. Jana sent money monthly for the upkeep of Bucky. Almost all of it went to the extra food she had to buy now that a human vacuum was living with her.

However, there was not enough money in the world that would compensate Sarah for Bucky’s hardhead. The money Jana sent covered Bucky’s expenses but Steve had been sick recently and she had been working double shifts and taking in laundry to pay for it. Bucky, of course, suggested he quit school and work at the docks. The job there had been offered to him every summer for three years and he was basically guaranteed a permanent position. But what kind of life would the docks give him?

“Don’t you slam that door at me, James Buchanan! You’re finishing your education come hell or high water!” shouted Sarah just before Bucky slammed the door to Steve’s bedroom. He was back downstairs again in thirty minutes to make dinner but he wouldn’t say a word to Sarah. Bucky just wouldn’t listen to reason. He had a a year and a half of school left, he had the whole world waiting for him and he was going to quit it and work on the docks until his back broke.

“I want to help you out,” said Bucky through gritted teeth over dinner. 

“I help you out, not the other way around,” replied Sarah, equally as tense.

“There’s nothing wrong with extra money coming in.”

“There’s everything wrong with quitting school to do it. Get a summer job like you always do.”

“But we need money now.”

“We’ll make it, Barnes.”

Sarah loved Bucky like her own and was fully prepared to yell at and discipline Bucky like her own. He needed a kick in the ass sometimes. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Steve and Bucky would graduate in a year and thanks to each other, they were both given awards for their grades. They were given certificates which Sarah mounted on her wall next to the school pictures of the two of them which rested on the mantle. Steve and Bucky had insisted that half the class got the same award but Sarah didn’t listen or care. Her sons were geniuses.

Sarah saw Jana often, every week at the very least, but Jana very rarely saw her own son these days so when Sarah suggested they all get together to celebrate Bucky and Steve winning the senior high equivalent of the Nobel Prize, Jana had jumped right on it. Bucky and Steve hadn’t. Bucky grew antsy at the thought of seeing his family all together again. Sarah couldn’t honestly understand why. He’d been living with them for awhile now. The lipstick incident was the furthest thing from everyone’s minds, and it wasn’t as if Bucky was going to get another beating with Sarah and Steve present. She had a gut feeling that Jana was going to apologize in some way for throwing him out so she got them both dolled up and dragged them the four streets over to the Barnes’s.

Sarah warned them both to be on their best behaviors since Sarah had been in charge of their discipline for the past year. They both promised they wouldn’t step a single toe out of line though Sarah didn’t have much faith. Steve would be with Rebecca and Bucky wouldn’t have Marnie to distract him. He’d never warmed up to the idea of Steve with Rebecca. Sarah considered mentioning it with every step she took on the walk to Barnes’s but stirring the well-repressed pot wouldn’t help.

The Barnes’ lived in a place similar to Sarah and Steve. It was bigger but only because there were more of them. Pound for pound it was just as small and cramped as Sarah and Steve’s little townhouse. Sarah was greeted by Marianna, the eldest sister. She hugged Sarah as if they knew each other well. Sarah had missed that feeling of family. With every family member being in Ireland she was glad to have the Barnes as a replacement. 

“My boys!” shouted Marianna before kissing Bucky and Steve on the cheek. “How’ve you two been?”

“Just fine,” replied Bucky. He swatted Marianna away when she went to fiddle with his hair.

“Come in, come in, Vince also came down to see you two. And Sarah — my mom’s in the dining room setting up.”

Sarah followed the corridor to the dining room where, sure enough, Jana was adjusting the place settings. Sarah jumped in to help and they both went on varying tangents of ‘they’re so grown up’. Sarah waved a quick hello to Bucky’s brothers who passed her quickly while running to greet Bucky and Steve. Following behind a bit slower was Denton. 

“Hello, Sarah,” said Denton sweetly. He was such a calm presence despite it being the first time he’d seen his youngest son in months. “How’ve you been?”

“Oh, just fine. I’m getting about sending little Stevie off into the world but you two have done it twice already, I can do it once.”

“Is he just through there?” asked Denton, pointing in the general direction of the living room.

“Yes,” replied Sarah, “yes, he and Steve are through there.”

The youngest of the Barnes’, Rebecca, darted by all three of them in a rush to see her Steve. Denton followed. Sarah drained the pasta while Jana went to say hello to Bucky and Steve. It didn’t take long for the house to get loud. Everyone was talking over everyone else. They were only quieted by Jana calling them all in for dinner.

The laughing and loud-talking halted as the kids all filtered into the dining room and took their usual seats. Denton said grace and the entire room went silent as they dug in.

Sarah didn’t know what was wrong but something was. There was a strange tension in the room that wasn’t in her head. As she caught glimpses of the others around the table it became clear that no one wanted to speak. Of course, after a year of not seeing Bucky, there was going to be some expected awkwardness.

“So, how have you been Steve?” asked Marianna. The first brave soul to break the silence.

“Oh…fine. I’m just getting over a cold but other than that, all fine,” said Steve. 

“And you James?” asked Jana. Her voice surprised everyone at the table. “How have you been?”

“Fine,” replied Bucky. It was clear he wanted to keep the conversation moving but couldn’t think of anything to add. 

“Right,” said Denton with a breathy laugh. “So…Are you nervous about starting your last year of school?”

“I’m excited, I’m so used to school, I don’t know what I’ll do when it’s not takin’ up all my time though,” said Steve after Bucky merely shrugged in response. 

“Well if you’re ever in the market for unpaid labor, I’m your man,” joked Denton. After the laughter subsided, the tension came back with full force. Rebecca was the one to remedy that. She began speaking to Sarah. That gave the rest of the table a chance to talk without being in the spotlight. 

“Rebecca, deary, you should be over at my house more often,” said Sarah. She did love Rebecca. She was still the little tomboy she’d always been but she was hilarious and kind. ‘A lot like Bucky’, shouted a rogue thought. “I need a daughter.”

“Stealing another Barnes?” joked Rebecca.

“I’m trying to get the full set,” replied Sarah. Rebecca went to refill the pitcher of water. Sarah scanned for a conversation to join and in the process overheard a bit.

“Do you think you’ll move out?” asked Vince to Steve. Sarah was blatantly eavesdropping. 

“I don’t know. I don’t really have any money saved,” laughed Steve.

“You could always share with Bucky,” spat Jana. “I’m sure he makes enough money each night on the docks to afford three apartments.”

Sarah blushed a horrible shade of crimson and choked on her water. Bucky threw his glass across the room and let is shatter. 

“Bucky!” shouted almost everyone. 

“I am not a whore!” shouted Bucky over everyone, silencing the room efficiently. Everyone looked equal parts confused and embarrassed. All except for Bucky and Jana. Rebecca, who had walked in just as the glass shattered, was already retreating to the kitchen to clean it up. No one could leave the horribly uncomfortable situation until at least the big shards were off of the floor.

“Sure you aren’t! It’s completely normal for a boy like you to spend nearly every summer working down at the docks — Sarah said you wanted to work full time!” screamed Jana with a humorless laugh. 

“A legitimate job with a legal, weekly salary! You were the one who helped get me that job the first year!” 

“I didn’t know you’d be spending your lunch break working overtime!” 

Bucky stood from the table, all the glasses shook when he did. Sarah wouldn’t be surprised at him storming out but she wondered if it would be considered rude to follow him out with Steve. She didn’t want to have to pick between Bucky and Jana and she wasn’t at all sure who she’d pick if it came down to it.

“Bucky! Sit down!” shouted Denton. Marianna had fled the scene at some point. Vince had shouted something about a headache and wheedled away. Tommy and Rebecca made no excuses and sat in the uncomfortable silence that Sarah and Steve were marinating in. She wanted very desperately to change the subject but she knew better than to intervene. “What in the hell’s going on?”

“It’s your son, Denton, he’s possessed!” shouted Jana.

“Me?” growled Bucky. Sarah had never heard such contempt in anyone’s voice before. “You’re the possessed one! You threw me out, you told me never to come home! I’m your son!”

“What?” muttered Denton, looking from Jana to Bucky with wide eyes. Everyone at the table was doing the same. “Jana you told me you threw him out because he has VD.”

“You—You told him I have VD?!” screamed Bucky. 

“You probably do!” replied Jana. Sarah felt like crying. Or throwing up. Or, probably both. Her surrogate son and her closest friend left on this earth were feuding. Completely out of the blue. But she was going to stop it. She wasn’t going to have to pick sides, she wasn’t going to have to turn her back on one of them. She was going to patch this up quickly and precariously and they’d all just learn to tiptoe around each other for awhile.

“Speaking of VD!” shouted Sarah, effectively shutting up the chatter at the table. “Syphilis is back with a vengeance. My last month at the hospital I saw ten patients with it, if you can believe.”

“Is it?” asked Tommy in a very loud and interested voice.

“It is. And you know what else has come back — Spanish flu. So you all be careful. Wash your hands before you eat and all of that…” Sarah scanned her mind for another topic to shout across the table but she found none. Nothing was coming to her completely blank mind. But, Rebecca, bless her, took over. She began loudly talking about an article she read a few weeks back that was discussing the new apartment buildings that were taking the place of a few townhomes that lined the street behind Steve’s. She was able to stretch that topic out for a lot longer than anyone expected and before they knew it no arguments were filling the painfully uncomfortable silence that was taking years off of everyone’s lives.

The kids all stole away after dinner was over. Marianna helped Sarah and Jana clean up and once that was all through, Denton opened more wine and the three of them sat around the table once again. The elephant in the room would not be addressed. Instead, they talked about how young their children used to be, how young they all used to be, and how old they were all getting. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Bucky took that job down at the docks that summer and kept insisting Sarah take his paycheck. For obvious reasons, Bucky’s mother had started sending less and less money every month and the rent was beginning to climb. Bucky said he wouldn’t be a freeloader an at the end of every week he’d try and slip in the money he’d made into Sarah’s purse. She never let it lie. It’d take a lot more than a little bit of uncertainty for her to start asking Bucky for rent. Sarah took in as much laundry as she could and wore her hands down to the bone. She couldn’t ask Jana for more money either, they were all in the same financial boat. She was alone and on the verge of bankruptcy and the only thing keeping her afloat was the neighbors’ constant need for mass amount of laundry done. 

Eventually, it wasn’t so easy. She didn’t think things could get worse from where she stood already but God was always eager to prove her wrong.

Steve came down with allergies. It wasn’t a problem for most but for little asthmatic Steve it was a nightmare. Sarah took an extra shift every other day at work to pay for medicine. Medicine had been a perk for years at the hospital. Everyone knew little Stevie Rogers was a sickly kid and the medicine was always cheap if not free. Working at the garment factory had no such perks and buying his medicine had nearly left them all completely destitute. At the end of the week she was typically left with a few dollars to put towards making the next week a bit easier. These days she was lucky if she didn’t owe money.

It’d been nearly two months of living from week to week and Sarah wasn’t sure how much more of it she could take. Bucky and Steve were headed back to school in four weeks which meant the cheap medicine that Steve could sometimes coerce from his job at the pharmacy would be back to full price and Steve would be back to being around a bunch of disease-carrying classmates all day. That night she sat at the kitchen table and allotted various stacks of cash to various bills. After it was all divided up she had fifty cents left to start the next week. Fifty cents to make the next week better. She couldn’t help but break down just a bit, something she hadn’t let herself do up until this point. 

She and Joseph had never been wealthy but they at the very least had a bit of a buffer. A few hundred dollars in case someone got sick or broke an ankle and work was out of the question. They had a little fund they put their spare change in. Sarah didn’t even have that. She’d already searched the house twice over for change and found nothing but a few dimes that were already paying for the gas bill. She didn’t want to cry, didn’t want to accept defeat but she knew when she was beaten and for the time being she was well and truly beaten.

“Mom?” said Bucky’s voice. Sarah tried to hide her face as Bucky stepped in from the dark entry way into the dimly lit kitchen. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” said Sarah. She tried to casually wipe tears to no avail, it was plainly obvious what she was doing. She pretended to be fervently reading one of the bills laid out before her but the tears clouded her vision and Bucky wasn’t buying it. He sat in the chair next to her and recounted the money for each bill in complete silence and reaffirmed that they did only have fifty cents left over.

“Is it like this every week?” asked Bucky.

“No — No, it’s not even like this now. This is just the bill money. Grocery and spending money are locked up,” said Sarah. Bucky looked at her, the silence gave her away but he didn’t say anything. 

“I wanna help out more,” said Bucky. “My mom’s not paying my way anymore and you can’t afford two kids right now. If you would just take my paycheck—”

“Bucky, that’s your money. I’m not taking it from you because it’s getting a little…tighter around here.” 

“I don’t need the money I have, I’ve got almost a hundred dollars saved up now and I don’t need it as bad as we need it. If you would just let me give it to you—”

“You save that money, Bucky, and you go to college on it,” said Sarah strictly as she began packing away the bills and money. 

“You know what,” said Bucky, not addressing Sarah directly. Instead he spoke to a plate mounted on the wall infront of them. “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“What?” said Sarah. She would’ve laughed if she weren’t so wound up.

“You can’t tell me what to spend my money on so I think I’m spending it on this week’s groceries,” said Bucky.

“No — No, Bucky, I’m buying the groceries while you’re at work tomorrow—”

“Then I guess we’ll have double the food,” snapped Bucky, a grin creeping onto his face. She didn’t want his charity but he was so willing to help. If she didn’t take it he’d throw it at her. 

“Okay…But I’ll do the shopping. I can’t have you running loose in a grocery store, you’ll buy the whole thing up,” laughed Sarah. Bucky kissed her and ran to find his hidden stash of money. Sarah thanked him profusely and Bucky insisted he was just doing his part. She sealed off the payments for the bills and sent Bucky back to bed. Once she was sure he had disappeared upstairs, she took the nearly empty rainy day fun on top of the fridge, stuffed all of Bucky’s money in it, and then shoved it in the back of her closet. She finally had the college fund for him she’d hope for, now she just needed one for Steve.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

Bucky thought he was contributing to the household and was no longer trying to pay Sarah off. After a week of Sarah working extra shifts, they were back in the black. It was by the skin of their teeth but they technically were not in debt. It’d be hard to hide the fact that Sarah wasn’t using the money Bucky was giving her but she’d do it. Steve insisted he help pay his way too so she put his paychecks from the summer in a fund as well. Her mother had done the same for her and that was what enabled her and Joseph to move out to America. And if she hadn’t done that well…she didn’t want Steve and Bucky to miss out on something because she couldn’t foot the bill.

That still left her the issue of no food. She started taking containers to soup kitchens and begged and pleaded until they gave her a bit extra. Sarah would split that between Steve and Bucky. Lunch at the factory was free for the staff and Sarah typically saved some of that for dinner. Steve and Bucky got free lunches at school. The extra food helped and so did Sarah taking in more laundry than she thought humanly possible.

She kept up a cycle of working, praying, starving, saving, and running on too little sleep. She knew she wouldn’t last much longer if she kept doing this to her already-sickly body but what choice did she have? Bucky and Steve couldn’t drop out of school they just couldn’t and with the economy as it stood, finding after-school jobs was next to impossible. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Steve got pneumonia that winter. He was deathly ill and Sarah prayed each an every night that Steve would make it to morning. Bucky slept with him. Sarah hoped it might help him break his fever and at the very least would give him permanent company. Bucky gave him his medicine, took his temperature, helped him bathe, made sure he ate enough but not too much, drank enough but not too much. Steve hadn’t been deathly ill since Bucky had moved in, Sarah had hoped they’d left those days to his preteen years and childhood. She’d hoped that by now his immune system was strong enough to fight off every horrible illness that had given Steve his last rites in the past.

But strangely enough a great weight was lifted off of Sarah’s shoulder when Steve caught pneumonia. Bucky was there for him in a no-less-efficient way than she was. In fact, he was probably there for him more than she could be with her job. Sarah knew with her immune system, living to 90 was unrealistic. Living to 70 was unrealistic. And she worried wrongly or rightly about how Steve would get along without her. And though it hadn’t always been at the forefront of her worries, it was gone now. She knew how Steve would get along. With Bucky. One less thing to keep her awake at night.

And against all odds he bounced back. It took a month and a half before he did, but he did. He bounced back and Sarah thanked God and Bucky for that everyday. Bucky’d shown his true colors that he’d never exactly hidden. He’d stick with Steve through the worst of it. And though it wasn’t explicit, it became clear to Sarah that Marnie hadn’t cured Bucky of his feelings for Steve. But the busier she got, the more tired she got, the hungrier she got, the more worn out she got the less she cared. Bucky was very in love with her son and he’d fooled Steve and Marnie and even himself into thinking he’d cured it. And she could no longer find it in herself to worry about how Bucky looked at her son.

Bucky being in love with Steve had done nothing but good for the both of them so what harm was there in reality? She had money and health issues to worry about, she didn’t have time to police and panic over how they loved each other. Not like Jana did.

She and Jana hadn’t spoken in weeks and the checks long ago stopped. No matter how many times Sarah dropped by their house or sent in a letter or stuffed a note under their door, she never got a reply from Jana. This desperation she felt with her sick son and her complete lack of money had only been bearable when she had a friend to lean on, and that’s all she wanted back, not her money but her friend. But when Jana completely ignored her one Sunday after mass she felt the crushing loneliness she hadn’t felt since her first night without Joseph.

 

~~~~~~~~~

 

Steve got over his pneumonia, they were all certain they’d made it out of the woods. But no such luck. No more than two weeks after Steve had returned to school, Sarah caught a cold. A minor cold. She still went to work, still worked double shifts, still took in laundry, still footed the bill at the cost of her own health. She kept her distance from Steve and Bucky, knowing that if either of them got sick it would start up a never ending cycle of sickness in their house.

But as weeks passed she wondered why her cold hadn’t gone away. Steve and Bucky insisted it was because she never actually let herself rest. She never took a day off of work, never got a full night’s sleep. So when she did finally get a day off, she spent it dead asleep. She woke feeling so much worse. It felt like the cold had also had a chance to rest and recharge and was attacking her with a newfound vengeance. She went to work still. Her stitching was getting sloppy at best. Her eye sight had started declining the day she started working for a garment factory but with her new illness blurring the edges of her field of vision, her pay was starting to get docked.

As time went on the cold she had would grow exponentially worse, and some day, exponentially better. She resigned herself to simply living with a cold she couldn’t shake for the rest of her life. The doctors she had once worked with agreed to give her a free checkup but after rigorous testing they diagnosed with an aggressive flu and nothing more. Bed rest and soup was prescribed but damned if she’d take another day off, Steve and Bucky had to eat.

Word somehow got to the Barnes family that Sarah had been sick for two months straight and the homemade soup started pouring in. Sarah knew Steve and Bucky had said something despite her explicit instructions to not worry anyone. But she was thankful the weeks’ worth of dinners they’d brought over and the vat of chicken soup. Only after Sarah had almost a month of food secured for the boys did she allow herself to take a few days off. 

She stayed in bed for all of those days. Steve brought her soup and on her weaker days would feed it to her. And nearly four months out Sarah wondered why she wasn’t gaining any traction, why she wasn’t feeling any better. If anything she felt like she was getting worse. It was getting harder to walk around the house and outside, harder to stand up in the shower, harder to dress, harder to do everything. Every morning she woke with a baseline energy lower than the day before. 

It occurred to her a few times throughout the prolonged illness that this might be it, might be her last illness. But the cold had receded enough times that Sarah thought it may just take her a bit longer to get over it completely. She wasn’t young anymore, it was perfectly normal for it to take some time to heal. But as she found herself out of breath after brushing through her brassy hair she knew. She didn’t have the energy to cry. Bucky helped her back to her bed where Steve was waiting with more soup. 

“I love you boys. I love you both so much,” said Sarah as Bucky held the covers back and Steve adjusted the pillows. 

“We love you too, Mom,” said Steve. “Don’t talk like that.”

“I wish Jana were here,” muttered Sarah. She slipped into the covers and watched as the edges of her vision blurred. She’d gotten used to that. Most everything had trails, everything was a bit dreamy. 

“W-why do you wish my mom were here?” asked Bucky with a strange shake in his voice. 

“You boys don’t understand it, hopefully you never have to…My husband’s gone and my best friend hasn’t spoken to me in months…It’s not how I imagined this at all…”

“Imagined…Imagined what, Ma?” asked Steve. His nervous hand had found its way to hers. 

“Oh…Stevie. You know.”

“Ma — You’re not gonna die, you’re just a little sick. I’ve been this sick and I’ve come back and you will too,” said Steve. 

“I’m not trying to scare you, Stevie. Everyone has their time and I’ve got the sense that this might be mine,” said Sarah very matter-of-factly. She held Steve’s face in her hand. He held her hand and futilely fought the tears welling in his eyes. His cheeks were a bit fuller than she remembered, maybe he was finally gaining some weight. She smiled at the thought and let her watery eyes blur the entire scene. 

“Mom, you’re gonna live for a long time,” said Steve, his shaky voice completely giving him away. 

“We all think that, Stevie…It’d be nice to see your father again. Anything you want me to tell him?”

“No — Mom, you’re not gonna die, end of discussion,” said Steve. He wiped his tears and had Sarah take another few sips of the soup he’d heated for her. Sarah could just make out Bucky’s hands digging into Steve’s shoulders in an attempt to comfort him. 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

She could feel it coming. She couldn’t leave the house anymore but she hated being shut away in her room. She asked to be moved to the living room where she could look out of the big windows daily and nightly and watch the neighborhood kids run. She felt like she was dreaming constantly and she hoped that would make it easier on her. She couldn’t take leaving her son if she was completely lucid.

Steve told her one day he’d graduated from senior high. Sarah cried knowing she missed it but Steve repeated that it wasn’t a big deal. Even so she told them both to hang their diplomas where she could see them. With summer beginning, Sarah could see the flowers she’d planted in the sills start to either wilt or thrive, she could see the kids with freed up days shouting and running down the streets, she could see the heat and the happiness that the summer sun gave them. 

Steve kept insisting that since it’d been nearly another month since she’d declared herself dead, she was not dying. Sarah had no energy to argue with him. She had no energy for anything anymore. Steve watched her sleep. She knew he did. Every time she woke he was there in the armchair across from her, asleep sitting up, clutching his rosary. 

“I remember when you and Bucky would go out to Coney Island with girls and you’d come home all mopey…Look at you now,” said Sarah to a half-awake Steve one morning. Bucky entered through her blurred peripheral vision. She wondered if he’d fallen asleep in the bay window somewhere behind her. “All grown and graduated. I’m so proud of you both…I remember when I brought you home from the hospital, Stevie. You were so small…none of the boys would play with you, they thought they’d snap you in half…I remember pushing you in the pram around the block just the two of us…right after you’d been born…I was so sore and tired and you were so small and weak…but we did it, we went on a walk every day…”

“Mom…are you okay?” said Steve. The shake in his voice had returned.

“I’m…I’m only thinking…” replied Sarah. “Staring at the kids playing reminds of you two…Remember when we used to called you James?”

“I do…” said Bucky. Sarah nodded fondly. Her mind fed her a few more blurry, rosy memories of Bucky and Steve as kids. 

“I wish you could’ve seen Ireland, Stevie. It’s beautiful…And it did your father and I well…Oh your father…Joseph was such a sweet man, he was always right with me. No matter how many babies I lost or how many times I got so sick we went into debt he was always with me. I can’t believe after all this time I’m going to see him again.”

“You’re not.” She hadn’t noticed before but now he was knelt by her side. Bucky changed the cool washcloth on her forehead. She clutched Steve’s hand as hard as she could and sighed as deep as her congested lungs would allow.

“He’d be proud of you. He’d be so proud and I’ll tell him how happy you are. You two are.”

“Mom, you need…You need to stop talking like this, you’re going to be okay,” said Steve. Sarah nodded and continued staring out on the street, watching the kids play.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

It took another three weeks. Steve caved and let a priest perform her last rites a week before. Steve never left her side and neither did Bucky. Steve cried more often now. Sarah tried to share as many memories and as much wisdom as she could before it happened but it only seemed to upset Steve and that was the last thing she wanted to do. She reminded him of good times with his father, with Bucky, and just the two of them. Somehow, Sarah had always felt that on some level it was just the two of them. 

And though she was leaving the world without a friend at her side, she had Stevie. She always had Steve and she wished he could always have her. But Bucky would be there for him, there to pick up the pieces. She was happy knowing someone was there for him, someone that was going to be there for a long time. So on her last morning she once again told them how proud she was, how loved they were, and asked Steve to open the curtains so she could watch and listen to the little kids playing. And one final request. 

Joseph’s records. Steve played her favorite out of the bunch and held her hand as she tried to hum the tune. It was peaceful. She sort of just…drifted away into the bright unknown. For the first time in years she felt healthy. Like she could run forever without every feeling out of breath. Her skin wasn’t so dull, her hair not so brassy, her clothes not so threadbare. She didn’t know where she was going, but she could hear the music and she could feel Joseph’s arms waiting to wrap around her as they always had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive also got a full on stucky fic to match this one that goes like through this fic up to cacw si alguien quiere , pls comment im dying inside

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks reading, please like/kudos/comment whatever if you want the rest :)


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